Giving Thought

Yesterday was Thanksgiving.  A beautiful day.  Spent with my beautiful daughters and wonderful husband.  Of coarse I cuddled with Krew and played with Madden.  Who by the way could not get enough of Grandma.  He would wander away for a bit to play with cousins, and soon be tugging on my pant leg and motioning me an invitation to join them in his room. 

This day was also spent with a heavy heart.  With recent declaration of needing some space and time away from my parents, my thoughts were constantly being drawn to this decision.

Oh how I long for a story book family.  One that begins with once upon a time.... and ends with forever and always, or for all of eternity, or happily ever after.  Perhaps I have this, and I just am so caught up in the middle of the story that I cannot see it for what it is. 

I must find a way to separate my existence with the experiences I have had.  I am more than a survivor of child abuse, I am more than the experiences I have had on this earth.  I existed before this time, and I will exists after.

Could it be possible that one of my most valuable experiences on this earth would be to be a survivor of child abuse?  Are there only some lessons that I would learn if only for this experience? 

How is it, that this experience could be some powerful that it could occupy so much of what I do, what I think and how I act? Do others have such experiences?  Or, perhaps; I am making this a bigger deal than it is?  Am I seeking attention by making this such a big deal?  Has this become my perpetual wound, that as soon as it starts to heal, I pick the scab off? 

I think things like this constantly.  My mind runs rampant with this poison.  Questioning everything about everything.  Not able to trust even the simplest of thoughts, of decisions, of actions.  What is the motive?  What will I get out of this or that? 

I feel guilty for leaving my parents. For moving on without them.  Less than a month, and I am wondering what I have done.  Have I hurt them?  Have I done this in a effort to protect myself, but really knowing how badly it would hurt them? 

I hear stories about my Dad being depressed and upset.  Secretly does it satisfy me?  How do I feel about this?  How should I feel about this?  What could I get out of this?  If I play things correctly, what would my gain be?  And then Mom.  What about Mom? Is she capable of even knowing how she feels?  Does it matter to me?  Should it matter to me?

Amy is upset, but stepping up.  Which makes me glad.  Glad that she is taking a turn. Maybe this time is for her, for her to grow.  Hell!  Why would I even think that this is my "job" to teach her something. 

I literally cannot turn this dialogue off in my head.  It goes non stop.  I pray for quietness to overcome me.  It does for moments.  But as soon as I recognize the silence, I put the thoughts right back into high gear.

Am I more than this experience.  I believe I am, if I can conquer the tug of war.

Ask and Ye Shall Receive.....

In the scriptures, we read: And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive. I believe that.  But I also believe that we have a Father in Heaven that knows what is better for us than maybe we know, believe or want for ourselves.  Does this mean that this scripture isn't true?  It doesn't say, ask in prayer believing, and ye shall receive if I think it is best for you. (italics added with a little sarcasm). I think it means, we will at some point have an understanding, or be given the peace that comes from forgiveness, or the talents when the time is right. 

I have petitioned the Lord many times for relief, understanding, to be healed from the cross I bear. And I have asked a lot, I have pleaded, tried to bargain, begged and even tried getting mad.  Still the cross is there. 

This big heavy cross I carry is making me tired.  So tired that at times, I cannot get out of bed.  It sometimes casts such a shadow that it is nearly impossible to see the Son (sun). These are the days that I pray for this to be over. One way or the other.  

Relief comes on occasion. I notice not such a heavy load. I seem stronger. An answer to prayer in the form of added strength or a load lightened.  If only for a minute. To give me time to catch my breathe.

“Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a ‘healing’ cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are ‘healed’ by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us.” Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, “He Heals the Heavy Laden,” Ensign, Nov. 2006, 7–8.

We all have challenges, struggles and trials.  Some come and go, some linger, some are difficult and some a quick to leave their mark.  Some people wear their burdens well, others do not.  But they are there.   


I know that this journey that I am on right now, is a refiners fire for me.  I am either going to come out stronger and let the blessings of the atonement work in my life, or it will consume me.  I am confident that my father knows what is going on with me.  He has sent and will send, people along my way to lighten the load.  I believe that he prepared me as best a father could; as I prepared to leave is side to come to earth.  I cannot imagine him not sitting down with me and providing counsel and instruction as I headed out to my first day at "School".  A father's blessing was given, a hug and a wave good-bye as I began my earthly journey.  We both knew it would be hard.  And I agreed to come.


Now the work is at hand.  I must figure out how to endure, recover and rebound.  Slowly, ever so slowly I am remembering, and learning what needs to be done.  I am rediscovering who I was and who I want to be.  How this will strengthen me.


I believe all things, I will hope for all things, I have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of  good report or praiseworthy, I will seek after these things.

Pretending

I am tired of pretending that I am OK, that I don't hurt.  Wishing today that I could be invisible, that I could just disappear. Wishing in the most selfish way that I didn't matter. That I could voluntarily quit. Although I don't really know what that would look like or mean. I do however, wish I didn't feel so unimportant to myself.

I find myself worrying about what I am doing to Brian. He must be tired of all this crap. He must long for a better wife, mother to his children and better friend. All these things I feel so deeply. Slung over my shoulder as a constant reminder of just how broken I am.

I feel crazy, unsettled, unsure, unhappy, unemotional and confused. I don't feel good enough. Good enough for anything. But yet I care.  I care so deeply that I keep moving, trying to make some progress along this narrow path.

I am afraid of being vulnerable and being rejected.  I want attention. I want someone to care about me. I want someone to fight for me. I am so mad that my parents are respecting my space.  It feels like they can live without me.  Ridiculous I know, but I have always felt like I don't matter to anyone.

How could anyone really care about me when I am so ashamed of who I am. Ashamed of the secret that I have buried so deep that even I cannot let it out. Ashamed of what everyone will think. Maybe they will just think that I am not good enough for their affection. Or worse, maybe they will take pity on such a pathetic person. You know like take them under their wing and try to save me.

I feel lost, tired and ashamed of how I could allow myself to get to where I am. I feel like a fake. That perhaps, my facade will be discovered. I don't know how to overcome the weak scared timid little girl.  I fight it. I try to be different than her. I don't want to be anything like her. I want to be different.

I try to be outgoing, engaged, confident and strong. But truth be told I have no idea what my true north is.  Who am I??  Am I strong or timid, reserved or outgoing?

Ashamed is what I am. Ashamed of being mad at that sweet little girl. Ashamed of who I try to be.

I am tired of pretending.

Distracted

Lately all I can think about his abuse. The consequences and how hard it has been, will be and so forth.

I hate that I have to live with this, I hate that it affects my family, I hate that my life could be different... and so on.

I know that this is so important to me, and that there is a time for everything.  I just am not sure that it is good to think about only one thing.  And I don't know how to figure this out.

I talked to my boss yesterday, and have officially applied to an intermittent FMLA.  Which means, I can take time off and be "protected".

I wonder to myself when or how long this will take.  Will it ever be over?  Will i have peace?

I know that Heavenly Father has blessed me more than I feel deserved.  I have had challenges, but not ones that can't be dealt with.

So I will go on. Even if I am distracted.

Bishops Night

Last night was group.  The bishops and husbands came.  It was so good and helpful.  It was hard, emotional and overwhelming.  I cried.  I cried a lot.  I cried more than anyone in the whole meeting. 

Sweet and tender things happened.  At one point, I was crying, trying not to sob, and Lisa reached over and squoze my arm.  She asked if I was OK.  It was sincere.  It felt good, and I felt undeserving of it.  I so appreciate her.  Her love for the Lord, her talent and her willingness to share it and serve.  She is my angel right now.

The information was good. It was helpful. I am sure that Brian felt the Spirit.  He loves me.  I love him.  I feel so blessed to have such a good husband/friend. 

During the meeting, I felt like so much of the content was directed towards me.  But it was ok.  Maybe I am the one that needed it.  Probably. 

There was a guest speaker, Angela.  She has been thru group 2X.  She has peace.  You can tell.  She spoke with love. She spoke with power of the Spirit, and she spoke most of the time looking right at me.  Her eyes had the light of Christ in them. Will mine ever? I felt a kinship to her.  Drawn to her. I know her, trust her and love her. And yet we have never met.

She shared truths, bore her testimony of the Atonement.  And she also spoke directly to the Bishops.  Explaining to them their role.  It was powerful and amazing.

How blessed I feel to have been part of last night.  Healing is happening.  I am overwhelmed and emotional today. But it is part of the plan.  Healing is hard.  It hurts, and it takes time.

alone

A new day. I knew this day would have some challenges.  I planned on staying home, but ended up needing to do a meeting at 8:00 this morning.  Guess that is good. It got me out of bed and on my way to playing a part this day.

I feel alone today.  Surrounded by people and noise and life.  Yet still alone.  As I thought about how I could call or text or Face Book a number of friends and cry for help, or ask for a soft shoulder, or a listening ear.  I instantly thought of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane.  He had the disciples with him.  He knew that the next leg of his journey was one he had to take alone.  So off he went to find a place to speak and counsel with our Father in Heaven.

Perhaps an AHA moment.  A time of clarification. A chance to understand that this leg of the race is to be done by me.  Although loved ones will be beside me, this is to be done alone.  This is my journey.  My time at Gethsemane. Time for my Spirit to commune with the Father. 

I have just gotten here. Although I have pleaded for help, for strength  and understanding, I haven't gotten to the point of saying Thy Will be Done. History tells me I will get there,

I really don't know how to do this.  I am not sure how to cope with all that lies ahead of me, or all that lies behind me. 

Frustrated

I am so frustrated.  I am trying to do what I need to do.  I just cannot get to the emotion of what has happened.  Today in Group we shared our stories.  For me, it was not eventful.  Like I was talking about someone else.  No big deal.  Its like stating facts.  Like here is the evidence.  And I don't care. 

I know that it's not true.  I do care.  I just cannot get thru the wall I have built around.  I don't trust myself with the depth of the feelings.

Today at Group there were only 2 of us.  Looks like the other girl may be canceling.  I am disappointed.  I had hope that this process would help me.  

Frustrated.

I am strong

I haven't done a good job of coming and capturing feelings and thoughts the last couple weeks.  For me, it was a way of avoiding.  It has been a difficult couple weeks.  Emotional for sure.

Started our Group meetings, we have had two meetings. There are three ladies that are in the group.  This next week, we are each sharing our story of abuse and survival.  It has been really overwhelming to think about for me, but good has come from it also.

The last week, sleep has been difficult.  It is always interrupted.  I wake up in the middle of the night, racing pounding heart, sweating and anxious.  I have been trying hard to just recognize it and feel it, and try to just let it be.

I am having a hard time really trusting myself.  Not in the sense that I don't think things happened, but in the fact that I cannot really "feel" or acknowledge how I feel.  It sounds funny, but it is buried so deep down, that I cannot get to it.  I still have a little girl that got hurt, she is scared and trying to protect herself.  I need to get to her, love her and let her know that she is safe, and loved.

I also don't really know about the loving part.  I know that I survived some crazy things, and that they are things that no one should have to go thru, but people do. And most survive. So what makes me different?

See, I have always been different.  I was the one that was chosen to be abused. Not Amy.  Me.  So, I did I get abused?  Why was I so weak.  I did my Dad choose me?  It makes no sense to me.

So, I am preparing to share my story.  My story of abuse, of neglect and of triumph.  I have hope.  I have faith.  I know that if I can survive all that I have gone thru; then I can survive this.  I am strong.  I am good.  And I am a survivor.

RISE

Resilient Individuals Surviving Emotional Trauma

Went to my first Group meeting tonight.  I was scared out of my mind.  Literally!  I woke up around 3 in the morning and was done being in bed.  Jaw was clenched, headache and heart ache.  I thought about it all day at work.  But thankfully was pretty busy at work, so I had some distraction.

Anyway, it went well. Nothing like I expected.  There are 4 ladies in the group.  At this point, we are all pretty guarded, and careful.  It will get better.  I am trying to trust myself and the Lord.  But this is SO hard for me.

I am trying to figure out how I feel.  Like really feel.  It scares me, a lot. I don't know if I can be honest with myself to really acknowledge what I believe and feel about my true self. I feel so much shame and un deserving.  I am trying to have hope that I am worthy of being loved. By my family, my husband and my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  I want to believe that there are really some people that deeply care about me, and want me to get better and be the real Debbie.  But I don't really know it.  I guess I am afraid of not being accepted.  The hurt and shame would be so much if I let myself believe this, and then it didn't happen.

I have to write a story about my abuse to share with the group in two weeks.  I am thinking about this. Of coarse, I want it to be perfect. Which, makes it not real. So I will be rehearsing and putting together my thoughts.  I want to be true to myself, and really share what is inside me.  If I can get to it.

Brian has been so good to me.  I can tell he is trying to understand and love me thru this process.  But I know it is difficult for him.  Heck, it's difficult for me.

Run away

It seems like all I have to say is how hard or rough the week has been.  But I also want to document and acknowledge my journey.  So, it has been a troubling couple of days.  Which was expected, especially since the week after girls camp, I felt so good.  I felt what I think is normal.

For me, it started with Amy. She is having some trouble, after spending some time trying to convince her that there were and are good things in her life, I felt empty, discouraged and worn out.  That night (Thursday) I went to bed feeling dark.  I woke up early (4:00 a.m) Friday morning with a racing heart.  (See previous post).  The rest of the day was really hard for me emotionally.  Which I spent the day with Mom, Amy, Carrie and Tim and the girls, Brian, Abbey and Courtney.  After a couple hours the tears and heavy heart subsided.

Saturday was Grandma Wayman's birthday bbq.  I was still feeling cloudy and dark, but went.  We had Madden, and I was excited to share him with his Great Great Grandma.  Well, the BBQ didn't go well for me.  It spurred up so many feelings.  I found myself many times fighting tears.  Then to top it off, there were picture of Grandma and Grandpa, along with family pictures of the kids.  There was this one picture of Grandma and all her children taken in Aunt Laurene's back yard.  There was dad.  To me he looked evil.  I was staring at the man that molested me.  I saw a crazed man.  One that literally scared the breath out of me.  I found Brian and asked to leave.  He wasn't ready, and I didn't want to cause a scene. So we stayed.  I tried hard to stay away from everyone.  I had a couple Aunts come and ask me if I was ok.  I cried.

Then Sunday, we had a BBQ for mom's family.  I was not in any position to go. Still feeling assaulted and vulnerable from the night before.  We went, I didn't talk to many people.  In fact, I hardly spoke to anyone.  I felt invisible and worthless. I felt un-important to mom, who didn't say one word to me.  Felt like I have my whole life.  Not sure why I think it would be any different.  But I did.

We left after about an hour.  I came home and slept for 2 hours. Still exhausted, I visited with Carrie and the girls and then went back to bed.

Today, I had an appointment with Lisa.  These days are always difficult for me.  So much anxiety, nervousness and fear.  But I went.  And I feel better, stronger and blessed every time I leave.  What a blessing she is to me.

I prayed the whole day about going.  Asking for help in being honest, and doing and saying what I needed to say.  Also, asking for help for Lisa, to know what I need to hear and do.   It was a very good visit.  She always seems to be able to help me understand and look forward to knowing what I need to work on and understand.

We talked about learning who I am. This scares me.  I honestly don't know.  I don't know what or who my Spirit is.  It's a lonely feeling.  I will get there.  I know this.

This is what keeps me going back.  Cuz, I am here to say, that my brain, my knowledge my experience tells me to run away.  And not to look back.

Friday Morning

A lot of things have happened since I last posted.  I have been to Girls Camp, which was amazing, spiritual and something I will never forget.

I have had some very good healthy days. I have experienced joy, and a bit of normalcy.

But this morning, I feel anxious and worried.  I feel like a pot of boiling water.  My heart is racing (about 120 beats per minute), my jaw is sore from clenching, and my back and tummy hurt.  My heart beating so hard woke me up.  I have been laying in bed trying to relax, to feel the emotion and to calm myself down.  But decided I needed to write.  To physically acknowledge.

The other day, we had a BBQ with mom, Arin, Carrie and her family, Lindsay and Jonny, and Amy.  It was the first get together where we were all together since Carrie got here.  At some point we were all sitting around talking.  I can't exactly remember what or who started the conversation.  But someone brought up the memory of a time when Amy and I were quite young.  Maybe 6-7?  Anyway, mom and dad and Amy and I were driving on the Freeway in SLC. (mom has since told us were is Southern Utah in the Zions area and not SLC) Amy and I must have been arguing, because Dad pulled over on the freeway and made Amy and I get out of the car.  And then Mom and Dad drove away.

I remember getting out of the car, standing in the gravel next to Amy and hearing the gravel kick up against the wheel wells and they drove away.  We sat there an watched as the tail lights and the car slowly disappeared.

I can't remember what Amy and I said to each other, or what we did, or how long they were gone.  But I can imagine that this was frightening for those little girls.

I can't imagine a mom, any mom; not throwing a fit to protect her children.  How did Mom not protect us?  Why didn't she get out of the car and stay with us?  Maybe this was her idea? I don't know.  But I feel like my mom didn't love me, that she didn't watch out for me, protect and watch over me.

I wonder how all the things could happen to me and Amy, and my mom never did anything to display any kind of protection or barrier.  Why?  We were just little......

Anyway, back to the story. We (the family) were sitting around discussing this memory; and mom pipes up and tells us that she remembers other things.  And proceeds to tell us of other instances where DAD did other irresponsible, abusive things to Amy, Carrie and I.  Mom said it like she was the hero because DAD did it.  Like someone is keeping track of all the horrible things that happened or didn't happen to us as children.

Why doesn't see realize that she did just as much damage as Dad?

For today, I am starting the day off feeling scared and anxious.  I will be saying many prayers for strength and courage today.

A rough Week

I saw Lisa yesterday.  And as usual, I felt a huge amount of anxiety as the time got closer.  It is so interesting to me; what the body is capable of doing.  For years, I have done all that I could to keep the emotion and pain from the abuse I suffered buried deep inside of me.  It has been a lot of work to do this.  It has also taken a lot of energy.  But it has also created a lot of problems for me.   So, now, as I begin the journey of addressing and recognizing these emotions, the pain and the actual extent of the abuse, my body, and brain are fighting.  I know it is time.  It is time to heal, to move on and to forgive. 

I have crazy anxiety attacks.  My heart races, my chest gets tight, I struggle to breathe and a couple times, I have had to take a minute and stop what I was doing in fear that I would pass out.  Brian has noticed a couple times.  It is frightening.  But I am learning that it comes, and it doesn’t last.  So, I let it come.  I take a minute recognize it.  Tell myself that it is ok, that this is what it feels like. And I wait for it to pass.  It scares me.  I am learning to listen to my body, to let it release what it needs to and to be ok after.

Also, I have a mouth full of cankers.  Literally a mouth full. I have blisters on my gums, blisters on the tongue and lips.  They hurt. It makes it difficult to eat. This is from stress.  Hopefully this won’t last too much longer. 

Lisa told me something yesterday that was thought provoking.  She said I was a valiant spirit. She believes (and I do too) that Heavenly Father has valiant Spirits that are sent to earth to change a coarse of evil behavior.  Someone that will change the generations to come.  And for me, to stop the abuse, mental, physical and emotional abuse.  I hope that is me.  I think it is.  I worry that I have done some crazy messed up things to my kids.  But I am trying.  Trying to get my arms around all the anger, the hurt, the manipulation, the ugliness of this. And trying to bring the Spirit of the Lord to my wonderful children and grandchildren. 

I still struggle with the little girl.  How did I survive all the horrible things that happened?  Was I so pathetic that I just sat back, silent and watched the horror.  What did I think as the abuse was taking place?  How did I deal with it?  What did I do when he left me?  Left me dirty and alone?  What were my thoughts?  Did I go to the bathroom to clean up?  OR did I even know that I was messy?

I just cannot imagine what a little girl does.  It makes me sad.  Really sad.  It makes me afraid. That I will soon know these things. That these answers will come to me.  Then what? 

I have turned to the Lord for help.  When all of this happens. When my chest gets tight, when I have feelings of my head being pushed forward. When I can’t breathe.  I pray. I ask for strength, for understanding, and for love.  And I get thru it.  Because of him.  I get thru this.  I know that Heavenly Father loves me.  I know that Jesus Christ understands the pain and hurt.  I know I have help. 

I am grateful for help, support and love of those around me. This is scary, it is just starting.  But I am further along in the recovery than I have ever been. 

Someone Sees My Potential

I have a head full of thoughts, and a heavy confused heart.

I went and saw Lisa yesterday.  It always happens that right before my visit, usually the night before, I start to have doubts, to have panic raise within me.  The whole day I just kept thinking how self-fish this process is for me.  That there is no need for me to do this.  I have lived 40+ years and could probably continue to live like that.

Very first off, I told Lisa I didn't think I wanted to keep doing this. That I felt self-fish and so on.  I could instantly see the dis-appointment in her face, and re-assured her that I wasn't stopping, that I knew I NEEDED to keep working on this, but I felt so much panic and pain that I just didn't THINK I needed to keep coming.

She spent nearly an hour telling me things that I knew, that I needed to hear, that penetrated my heart, my soul and started to make sense to my head.

Healing is not self-fish.  I wouldn't deny myself of medical treatment. I wouldn't think that was self-fish.

We both believe that I am there, was lead there for a reason.  I really do believe this.  I know in my heart,   that Lisa is here to help me.  That I did not get lucky when I "found" her, but I was given this opportunity with Lisa, because my Heavenly Father loves me.  That Lisa has things that will help me.

Lisa and I talked about how the Savior has atoned for me.  That the atonement is not necessarily for those that have sinned, for also for those that have been hurt.  That when I can truly trust the Lord and rest on the atonement, that this pain will be carried by the Savior.

One thing that she said, that no one- NOT ANYONE has ever said is that she can see my pain, and my struggle. But more importantly she can see me healed.  She can see me as a whole person, with my Spirit shinning through.

That gave me so much hope.  Such comfort.  I didn't think that was possible.  I have lived my whole life trapped by the pain.  I have tried so hard to keep how I feel, the pain that is in me, locked away. Pushed down deep.  Most the time I can keep it at bay, but sometimes it over flows and I cannot keep it down.

Could it be true?  Can she really see hope for me?  Is it possible for me to live one day without the constant struggle to keep my thoughts and fears buried down deep?

I feel some hope.

I have spent the last couple months barely surviving.  It has affected me deeply.  I have don't done my best in anything.  Family, home, personally or church.  Honestly the last two days, I have had two people that I work with, make personal phone calls to me to see if I am ok.  I feel embarrassed. I feel ashamed.  I feel tired.

I have been asked to speak in church Sunday.  I don't feel strong enough. I don't feel like it is a good idea, and I don't feel like I can say so.

I have been asked to go to girls camp in a week.  All of those statements are true for this as well.

I am starting to try and acknowledge my fear and pain.  Rather than push it down. I am terrified that doing this will put me in a tail spin.  But I am trying to do a little at a time.

Today when I got out of the shower, I felt panic.  Heart raced, a flash of heat came across my whole being.  I closed my eyes and really tried to feel it.  Then recognized this happens everyday for me.  Every time I get out of the shower.  I don't know why, or what has caused it. But it happens.

I know it doesn't last long.  I think it will happen tomorrow.  If it does, I will feel it.  I will acknowledge. And I will be proud of myself for doing so.

The other thing that I find curious, for the last 6 months; I have had trouble with clenching my jaw.  I do it so much I get headaches and my back teeth hurt.  I have even broke a tooth.  I am having a creeping feeling that this may be related to something.  I am working thru acknowledging it.

I am putting my complete faith and trust in the chance that I can get thru this.  That this burden will be lifted.

There is a darling little girl waiting.  It is time.  

My heart verses my head

Well, not much has actually happened lately.  I have tried to establish some safe boundaries for me.  Not really vocalized them, but created some distance between my mom and my dad.  I am sure my dad has any idea about any of this, and he may be confused as to why we haven't been over there.  Oh-well.

I have had many thoughts about what I am doing, and why I am doing it.  It seems a bit pointless when I am not actually struggling.  But I cannot stop, not right now.

Last week, the girls and I were out getting lunch and going to a movie.  I stayed home from work, just wasn't feeling strong enough to "play the part".  Anyway, while we were getting lunch, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a young girl. Probably 10-12.  She looked a little unkept, incredibly insecure, and timid.  Instantly I felt the pain of being that age.  Tears welled up and I became very emotional.  I wondered if anyone ever saw me?  Did anyone EVER in my life see a little girl that was helpless, and hopeless?  Did I ever have the courage to make eye contact with anyone in hopes that my pleading eyes would shout out that I needed help?

For the rest of the day, I cried, I yelled at the girls for no good reason. I felt guilty for taking out my feelings on the girls.  I felt incredible pain.

I tried to tell myself, my little girl that I was brave, and strong and worthwhile.  But the pain was real, sharp and cutting.  The rest of the day, was dark and miserable.

I have tried to be aware of myself and my feelings.  But it is hard to be honest with myself.  I have to say that I am still disappointed and ashamed of the little girl.  But my brain/head tells me how brave she was. That she is a hero for surviving.  But my heart and Spirit still struggle.

Hidden Angels

This week has been an eye opening blessing for me.  I have realized how many people have been placed in my life to love and provide encouragement.  I have a good life, I am loved.

This makes it easier and safer to go thru this.

I have also felt stress.  Not sleeping well and clenching my teeth.

things will get better!

Hidden Angels

This week has been an eye opening blessing for me.  I have realized how many people have been placed in my life to love and provide encouragement.  I have a good life, I am loved.

This makes it easier and safer to go thru this.

I have also felt stress.  Not sleeping well and clenching my teeth.

things will get better!

fork in the road

I have come to a fork in the road.  One side it to continue to struggle, push down the hurt and emotion of my childhood, the other a road to recovery.

I have chosen to start counseling again.  I have found/been led to a counselor that I immediately felt connected to.  Her name is Lisa Bradford.  She is LDS, and specialized in helping Adults that have been molested as children.  The minute I found her (on a web-site) I knew, my spirit knew that she would be the one to help me.  I instantly felt drawn to her.  I had a bit of a struggle with insurance, but it has been worked out.

I have been to her three times.  We are working on a couple things, but to start with; she has asked me to read a book called "Boundaries".  It is from a Christian Author.  Not LDS, but there are a lot of references from the Bible.  And the Spirit of the intent is there, bearing witness to me of the meaning.

The first week, was good.  Lisa talked to me about how she approaches counseling.  She doesn't necessarily want me to recall every little thing.  But has found it to be helpful to discuss issues that come up.  To talk about what is going on.  To help me identify the triggers, and to work thru them.

What relief this brought to me.  I came home feeling understood, loved, and sense of trust from Lisa that I had never felt before.  I was excited to talk to Brian about this.  But, when I got home Brian didn't ask about it.  It really hurt my feelings. So after dinner, and me acting moody and angry, Brian and I went out to the front porch and talked.

The conversation started off strained.  Brian frustrated, not wanting me to do this, not understanding just how much I need to do this.  At one point he told me that if I did this, he didn't think our marriage would make it.  I began to think that I would have to choose.  Knowing that I couldn't live like I had been living, and knowing that I couldn't live without him.  I was devastated. I said many prayers during our talk, and thru help from our Father in Heaven, it worked out.  We ended feeling love for each other, and hope for things to get better.

That weekend, I felt a strong need to get a picture of me as a baby framed and hung it in our bedroom.  It reminds me that of this darling little girl.  So perfect and beautiful and innocent.  There is hope in her eyes.  I want to love and respect that little girl.  But sometimes I feel so ashamed.  Disappointed that I wasn't stronger, that I wasn't braver.  My head tells me this is non sense, but I still feel it in my heart.

The second week, went well.  I actually went into the appointment feeling as though everything was good, and that maybe I didn't need to keep going.  I knew in my heart and Spirit this isn't the case, but still felt like there was nothing to talk about. We started off talking about me not feeling like I needed to be there.

We spent most of the time talking about boundaries.  What and when and who I should let in.  When it is appropriate, and when it isn't.  So interesting to me.  I definitely have problems.  I don't trust many, I long for connections, but just am not able to do it.

The week that followed was super hard.  I didn't sleep. I tossed and turned, woke up feeling heavy and defeated.  Bogged down.  Finally on Friday I slept.  Felt much better Saturday and Sunday.

Then Monday came. The day to visit with Lisa again.  I was miserable.  Teary, really bad headache and upset stomach.  I walked into her office feeling guarded and scared.

The visit went well, I cried, I talked about memories and things I hadn't really told anyone.  Horrific things a little girl of any age would have to deal with!  She listened, was shocked, we laughed, and I felt relieved to have gotten some of it out.

I came home feeling burdened. Feeling exhausted emotionally.  Lindsay and Madden were here.  And I felt bad about that.  I love them both so much, but I just didn't have the needed strength.  Lindsay ended up going home because Madden wasn't feeling well.  When she left, I went to bed.

I tossed and turned all night.  Woke up early this morning with a raging headache.  Took some Advil, and went back to bed.  Finally got to work at 10.

This is going to be hard.  I have faith and hope that I can dig thru this.  That I can let my little angel know that she is brave, beautiful and loved.  I am scared.  I would be lying to say anything different.  But I do know that with the help of my Father in Heaven and those that he placed/places in my life, I can get better.  That I can be stronger and better.  That I can be who I am suppose to be. Whoever that is.  I will be beautiful, and amazing and true to myself.