Resilient Individuals Surviving Emotional Trauma
Went to my first Group meeting tonight. I was scared out of my mind. Literally! I woke up around 3 in the morning and was done being in bed. Jaw was clenched, headache and heart ache. I thought about it all day at work. But thankfully was pretty busy at work, so I had some distraction.
Anyway, it went well. Nothing like I expected. There are 4 ladies in the group. At this point, we are all pretty guarded, and careful. It will get better. I am trying to trust myself and the Lord. But this is SO hard for me.
I am trying to figure out how I feel. Like really feel. It scares me, a lot. I don't know if I can be honest with myself to really acknowledge what I believe and feel about my true self. I feel so much shame and un deserving. I am trying to have hope that I am worthy of being loved. By my family, my husband and my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I want to believe that there are really some people that deeply care about me, and want me to get better and be the real Debbie. But I don't really know it. I guess I am afraid of not being accepted. The hurt and shame would be so much if I let myself believe this, and then it didn't happen.
I have to write a story about my abuse to share with the group in two weeks. I am thinking about this. Of coarse, I want it to be perfect. Which, makes it not real. So I will be rehearsing and putting together my thoughts. I want to be true to myself, and really share what is inside me. If I can get to it.
Brian has been so good to me. I can tell he is trying to understand and love me thru this process. But I know it is difficult for him. Heck, it's difficult for me.
