A lot of things have happened since I last posted. I have been to Girls Camp, which was amazing, spiritual and something I will never forget.
I have had some very good healthy days. I have experienced joy, and a bit of normalcy.
But this morning, I feel anxious and worried. I feel like a pot of boiling water. My heart is racing (about 120 beats per minute), my jaw is sore from clenching, and my back and tummy hurt. My heart beating so hard woke me up. I have been laying in bed trying to relax, to feel the emotion and to calm myself down. But decided I needed to write. To physically acknowledge.
The other day, we had a BBQ with mom, Arin, Carrie and her family, Lindsay and Jonny, and Amy. It was the first get together where we were all together since Carrie got here. At some point we were all sitting around talking. I can't exactly remember what or who started the conversation. But someone brought up the memory of a time when Amy and I were quite young. Maybe 6-7? Anyway, mom and dad and Amy and I were driving on the Freeway in SLC. (mom has since told us were is Southern Utah in the Zions area and not SLC) Amy and I must have been arguing, because Dad pulled over on the freeway and made Amy and I get out of the car. And then Mom and Dad drove away.
I remember getting out of the car, standing in the gravel next to Amy and hearing the gravel kick up against the wheel wells and they drove away. We sat there an watched as the tail lights and the car slowly disappeared.
I can't remember what Amy and I said to each other, or what we did, or how long they were gone. But I can imagine that this was frightening for those little girls.
I can't imagine a mom, any mom; not throwing a fit to protect her children. How did Mom not protect us? Why didn't she get out of the car and stay with us? Maybe this was her idea? I don't know. But I feel like my mom didn't love me, that she didn't watch out for me, protect and watch over me.
I wonder how all the things could happen to me and Amy, and my mom never did anything to display any kind of protection or barrier. Why? We were just little......
Anyway, back to the story. We (the family) were sitting around discussing this memory; and mom pipes up and tells us that she remembers other things. And proceeds to tell us of other instances where DAD did other irresponsible, abusive things to Amy, Carrie and I. Mom said it like she was the hero because DAD did it. Like someone is keeping track of all the horrible things that happened or didn't happen to us as children.
Why doesn't see realize that she did just as much damage as Dad?
For today, I am starting the day off feeling scared and anxious. I will be saying many prayers for strength and courage today.
