I have a head full of thoughts, and a heavy confused heart.
I went and saw Lisa yesterday. It always happens that right before my visit, usually the night before, I start to have doubts, to have panic raise within me. The whole day I just kept thinking how self-fish this process is for me. That there is no need for me to do this. I have lived 40+ years and could probably continue to live like that.
Very first off, I told Lisa I didn't think I wanted to keep doing this. That I felt self-fish and so on. I could instantly see the dis-appointment in her face, and re-assured her that I wasn't stopping, that I knew I NEEDED to keep working on this, but I felt so much panic and pain that I just didn't THINK I needed to keep coming.
She spent nearly an hour telling me things that I knew, that I needed to hear, that penetrated my heart, my soul and started to make sense to my head.
Healing is not self-fish. I wouldn't deny myself of medical treatment. I wouldn't think that was self-fish.
We both believe that I am there, was lead there for a reason. I really do believe this. I know in my heart, that Lisa is here to help me. That I did not get lucky when I "found" her, but I was given this opportunity with Lisa, because my Heavenly Father loves me. That Lisa has things that will help me.
Lisa and I talked about how the Savior has atoned for me. That the atonement is not necessarily for those that have sinned, for also for those that have been hurt. That when I can truly trust the Lord and rest on the atonement, that this pain will be carried by the Savior.
One thing that she said, that no one- NOT ANYONE has ever said is that she can see my pain, and my struggle. But more importantly she can see me healed. She can see me as a whole person, with my Spirit shinning through.
That gave me so much hope. Such comfort. I didn't think that was possible. I have lived my whole life trapped by the pain. I have tried so hard to keep how I feel, the pain that is in me, locked away. Pushed down deep. Most the time I can keep it at bay, but sometimes it over flows and I cannot keep it down.
Could it be true? Can she really see hope for me? Is it possible for me to live one day without the constant struggle to keep my thoughts and fears buried down deep?
I feel some hope.
I have spent the last couple months barely surviving. It has affected me deeply. I have don't done my best in anything. Family, home, personally or church. Honestly the last two days, I have had two people that I work with, make personal phone calls to me to see if I am ok. I feel embarrassed. I feel ashamed. I feel tired.
I have been asked to speak in church Sunday. I don't feel strong enough. I don't feel like it is a good idea, and I don't feel like I can say so.
I have been asked to go to girls camp in a week. All of those statements are true for this as well.
I am starting to try and acknowledge my fear and pain. Rather than push it down. I am terrified that doing this will put me in a tail spin. But I am trying to do a little at a time.
Today when I got out of the shower, I felt panic. Heart raced, a flash of heat came across my whole being. I closed my eyes and really tried to feel it. Then recognized this happens everyday for me. Every time I get out of the shower. I don't know why, or what has caused it. But it happens.
I know it doesn't last long. I think it will happen tomorrow. If it does, I will feel it. I will acknowledge. And I will be proud of myself for doing so.
The other thing that I find curious, for the last 6 months; I have had trouble with clenching my jaw. I do it so much I get headaches and my back teeth hurt. I have even broke a tooth. I am having a creeping feeling that this may be related to something. I am working thru acknowledging it.
I am putting my complete faith and trust in the chance that I can get thru this. That this burden will be lifted.
There is a darling little girl waiting. It is time.
