Well, not much has actually happened lately. I have tried to establish some safe boundaries for me. Not really vocalized them, but created some distance between my mom and my dad. I am sure my dad has any idea about any of this, and he may be confused as to why we haven't been over there. Oh-well.
I have had many thoughts about what I am doing, and why I am doing it. It seems a bit pointless when I am not actually struggling. But I cannot stop, not right now.
Last week, the girls and I were out getting lunch and going to a movie. I stayed home from work, just wasn't feeling strong enough to "play the part". Anyway, while we were getting lunch, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a young girl. Probably 10-12. She looked a little unkept, incredibly insecure, and timid. Instantly I felt the pain of being that age. Tears welled up and I became very emotional. I wondered if anyone ever saw me? Did anyone EVER in my life see a little girl that was helpless, and hopeless? Did I ever have the courage to make eye contact with anyone in hopes that my pleading eyes would shout out that I needed help?
For the rest of the day, I cried, I yelled at the girls for no good reason. I felt guilty for taking out my feelings on the girls. I felt incredible pain.
I tried to tell myself, my little girl that I was brave, and strong and worthwhile. But the pain was real, sharp and cutting. The rest of the day, was dark and miserable.
I have tried to be aware of myself and my feelings. But it is hard to be honest with myself. I have to say that I am still disappointed and ashamed of the little girl. But my brain/head tells me how brave she was. That she is a hero for surviving. But my heart and Spirit still struggle.
