I am tired of pretending that I am OK, that I don't hurt. Wishing today that I could be invisible, that I could just disappear. Wishing in the most selfish way that I didn't matter. That I could voluntarily quit. Although I don't really know what that would look like or mean. I do however, wish I didn't feel so unimportant to myself.
I find myself worrying about what I am doing to Brian. He must be tired of all this crap. He must long for a better wife, mother to his children and better friend. All these things I feel so deeply. Slung over my shoulder as a constant reminder of just how broken I am.
I feel crazy, unsettled, unsure, unhappy, unemotional and confused. I don't feel good enough. Good enough for anything. But yet I care. I care so deeply that I keep moving, trying to make some progress along this narrow path.
I am afraid of being vulnerable and being rejected. I want attention. I want someone to care about me. I want someone to fight for me. I am so mad that my parents are respecting my space. It feels like they can live without me. Ridiculous I know, but I have always felt like I don't matter to anyone.
How could anyone really care about me when I am so ashamed of who I am. Ashamed of the secret that I have buried so deep that even I cannot let it out. Ashamed of what everyone will think. Maybe they will just think that I am not good enough for their affection. Or worse, maybe they will take pity on such a pathetic person. You know like take them under their wing and try to save me.
I feel lost, tired and ashamed of how I could allow myself to get to where I am. I feel like a fake. That perhaps, my facade will be discovered. I don't know how to overcome the weak scared timid little girl. I fight it. I try to be different than her. I don't want to be anything like her. I want to be different.
I try to be outgoing, engaged, confident and strong. But truth be told I have no idea what my true north is. Who am I?? Am I strong or timid, reserved or outgoing?
Ashamed is what I am. Ashamed of being mad at that sweet little girl. Ashamed of who I try to be.
I am tired of pretending.
