I saw Lisa yesterday. And as usual, I felt a huge amount of anxiety as the time got closer. It is so interesting to me; what the body is capable of doing. For years, I have done all that I could to keep the emotion and pain from the abuse I suffered buried deep inside of me. It has been a lot of work to do this. It has also taken a lot of energy. But it has also created a lot of problems for me. So, now, as I begin the journey of addressing and recognizing these emotions, the pain and the actual extent of the abuse, my body, and brain are fighting. I know it is time. It is time to heal, to move on and to forgive.
I have crazy anxiety attacks. My heart races, my chest gets tight, I struggle to breathe and a couple times, I have had to take a minute and stop what I was doing in fear that I would pass out. Brian has noticed a couple times. It is frightening. But I am learning that it comes, and it doesn’t last. So, I let it come. I take a minute recognize it. Tell myself that it is ok, that this is what it feels like. And I wait for it to pass. It scares me. I am learning to listen to my body, to let it release what it needs to and to be ok after.
Also, I have a mouth full of cankers. Literally a mouth full. I have blisters on my gums, blisters on the tongue and lips. They hurt. It makes it difficult to eat. This is from stress. Hopefully this won’t last too much longer.
Lisa told me something yesterday that was thought provoking. She said I was a valiant spirit. She believes (and I do too) that Heavenly Father has valiant Spirits that are sent to earth to change a coarse of evil behavior. Someone that will change the generations to come. And for me, to stop the abuse, mental, physical and emotional abuse. I hope that is me. I think it is. I worry that I have done some crazy messed up things to my kids. But I am trying. Trying to get my arms around all the anger, the hurt, the manipulation, the ugliness of this. And trying to bring the Spirit of the Lord to my wonderful children and grandchildren.
I still struggle with the little girl. How did I survive all the horrible things that happened? Was I so pathetic that I just sat back, silent and watched the horror. What did I think as the abuse was taking place? How did I deal with it? What did I do when he left me? Left me dirty and alone? What were my thoughts? Did I go to the bathroom to clean up? OR did I even know that I was messy?
I just cannot imagine what a little girl does. It makes me sad. Really sad. It makes me afraid. That I will soon know these things. That these answers will come to me. Then what?
I have turned to the Lord for help. When all of this happens. When my chest gets tight, when I have feelings of my head being pushed forward. When I can’t breathe. I pray. I ask for strength, for understanding, and for love. And I get thru it. Because of him. I get thru this. I know that Heavenly Father loves me. I know that Jesus Christ understands the pain and hurt. I know I have help.
I am grateful for help, support and love of those around me. This is scary, it is just starting. But I am further along in the recovery than I have ever been.
