Frustrated

I am so frustrated.  I am trying to do what I need to do.  I just cannot get to the emotion of what has happened.  Today in Group we shared our stories.  For me, it was not eventful.  Like I was talking about someone else.  No big deal.  Its like stating facts.  Like here is the evidence.  And I don't care. 

I know that it's not true.  I do care.  I just cannot get thru the wall I have built around.  I don't trust myself with the depth of the feelings.

Today at Group there were only 2 of us.  Looks like the other girl may be canceling.  I am disappointed.  I had hope that this process would help me.  

Frustrated.

I am strong

I haven't done a good job of coming and capturing feelings and thoughts the last couple weeks.  For me, it was a way of avoiding.  It has been a difficult couple weeks.  Emotional for sure.

Started our Group meetings, we have had two meetings. There are three ladies that are in the group.  This next week, we are each sharing our story of abuse and survival.  It has been really overwhelming to think about for me, but good has come from it also.

The last week, sleep has been difficult.  It is always interrupted.  I wake up in the middle of the night, racing pounding heart, sweating and anxious.  I have been trying hard to just recognize it and feel it, and try to just let it be.

I am having a hard time really trusting myself.  Not in the sense that I don't think things happened, but in the fact that I cannot really "feel" or acknowledge how I feel.  It sounds funny, but it is buried so deep down, that I cannot get to it.  I still have a little girl that got hurt, she is scared and trying to protect herself.  I need to get to her, love her and let her know that she is safe, and loved.

I also don't really know about the loving part.  I know that I survived some crazy things, and that they are things that no one should have to go thru, but people do. And most survive. So what makes me different?

See, I have always been different.  I was the one that was chosen to be abused. Not Amy.  Me.  So, I did I get abused?  Why was I so weak.  I did my Dad choose me?  It makes no sense to me.

So, I am preparing to share my story.  My story of abuse, of neglect and of triumph.  I have hope.  I have faith.  I know that if I can survive all that I have gone thru; then I can survive this.  I am strong.  I am good.  And I am a survivor.

RISE

Resilient Individuals Surviving Emotional Trauma

Went to my first Group meeting tonight.  I was scared out of my mind.  Literally!  I woke up around 3 in the morning and was done being in bed.  Jaw was clenched, headache and heart ache.  I thought about it all day at work.  But thankfully was pretty busy at work, so I had some distraction.

Anyway, it went well. Nothing like I expected.  There are 4 ladies in the group.  At this point, we are all pretty guarded, and careful.  It will get better.  I am trying to trust myself and the Lord.  But this is SO hard for me.

I am trying to figure out how I feel.  Like really feel.  It scares me, a lot. I don't know if I can be honest with myself to really acknowledge what I believe and feel about my true self. I feel so much shame and un deserving.  I am trying to have hope that I am worthy of being loved. By my family, my husband and my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  I want to believe that there are really some people that deeply care about me, and want me to get better and be the real Debbie.  But I don't really know it.  I guess I am afraid of not being accepted.  The hurt and shame would be so much if I let myself believe this, and then it didn't happen.

I have to write a story about my abuse to share with the group in two weeks.  I am thinking about this. Of coarse, I want it to be perfect. Which, makes it not real. So I will be rehearsing and putting together my thoughts.  I want to be true to myself, and really share what is inside me.  If I can get to it.

Brian has been so good to me.  I can tell he is trying to understand and love me thru this process.  But I know it is difficult for him.  Heck, it's difficult for me.

Run away

It seems like all I have to say is how hard or rough the week has been.  But I also want to document and acknowledge my journey.  So, it has been a troubling couple of days.  Which was expected, especially since the week after girls camp, I felt so good.  I felt what I think is normal.

For me, it started with Amy. She is having some trouble, after spending some time trying to convince her that there were and are good things in her life, I felt empty, discouraged and worn out.  That night (Thursday) I went to bed feeling dark.  I woke up early (4:00 a.m) Friday morning with a racing heart.  (See previous post).  The rest of the day was really hard for me emotionally.  Which I spent the day with Mom, Amy, Carrie and Tim and the girls, Brian, Abbey and Courtney.  After a couple hours the tears and heavy heart subsided.

Saturday was Grandma Wayman's birthday bbq.  I was still feeling cloudy and dark, but went.  We had Madden, and I was excited to share him with his Great Great Grandma.  Well, the BBQ didn't go well for me.  It spurred up so many feelings.  I found myself many times fighting tears.  Then to top it off, there were picture of Grandma and Grandpa, along with family pictures of the kids.  There was this one picture of Grandma and all her children taken in Aunt Laurene's back yard.  There was dad.  To me he looked evil.  I was staring at the man that molested me.  I saw a crazed man.  One that literally scared the breath out of me.  I found Brian and asked to leave.  He wasn't ready, and I didn't want to cause a scene. So we stayed.  I tried hard to stay away from everyone.  I had a couple Aunts come and ask me if I was ok.  I cried.

Then Sunday, we had a BBQ for mom's family.  I was not in any position to go. Still feeling assaulted and vulnerable from the night before.  We went, I didn't talk to many people.  In fact, I hardly spoke to anyone.  I felt invisible and worthless. I felt un-important to mom, who didn't say one word to me.  Felt like I have my whole life.  Not sure why I think it would be any different.  But I did.

We left after about an hour.  I came home and slept for 2 hours. Still exhausted, I visited with Carrie and the girls and then went back to bed.

Today, I had an appointment with Lisa.  These days are always difficult for me.  So much anxiety, nervousness and fear.  But I went.  And I feel better, stronger and blessed every time I leave.  What a blessing she is to me.

I prayed the whole day about going.  Asking for help in being honest, and doing and saying what I needed to say.  Also, asking for help for Lisa, to know what I need to hear and do.   It was a very good visit.  She always seems to be able to help me understand and look forward to knowing what I need to work on and understand.

We talked about learning who I am. This scares me.  I honestly don't know.  I don't know what or who my Spirit is.  It's a lonely feeling.  I will get there.  I know this.

This is what keeps me going back.  Cuz, I am here to say, that my brain, my knowledge my experience tells me to run away.  And not to look back.

Friday Morning

A lot of things have happened since I last posted.  I have been to Girls Camp, which was amazing, spiritual and something I will never forget.

I have had some very good healthy days. I have experienced joy, and a bit of normalcy.

But this morning, I feel anxious and worried.  I feel like a pot of boiling water.  My heart is racing (about 120 beats per minute), my jaw is sore from clenching, and my back and tummy hurt.  My heart beating so hard woke me up.  I have been laying in bed trying to relax, to feel the emotion and to calm myself down.  But decided I needed to write.  To physically acknowledge.

The other day, we had a BBQ with mom, Arin, Carrie and her family, Lindsay and Jonny, and Amy.  It was the first get together where we were all together since Carrie got here.  At some point we were all sitting around talking.  I can't exactly remember what or who started the conversation.  But someone brought up the memory of a time when Amy and I were quite young.  Maybe 6-7?  Anyway, mom and dad and Amy and I were driving on the Freeway in SLC. (mom has since told us were is Southern Utah in the Zions area and not SLC) Amy and I must have been arguing, because Dad pulled over on the freeway and made Amy and I get out of the car.  And then Mom and Dad drove away.

I remember getting out of the car, standing in the gravel next to Amy and hearing the gravel kick up against the wheel wells and they drove away.  We sat there an watched as the tail lights and the car slowly disappeared.

I can't remember what Amy and I said to each other, or what we did, or how long they were gone.  But I can imagine that this was frightening for those little girls.

I can't imagine a mom, any mom; not throwing a fit to protect her children.  How did Mom not protect us?  Why didn't she get out of the car and stay with us?  Maybe this was her idea? I don't know.  But I feel like my mom didn't love me, that she didn't watch out for me, protect and watch over me.

I wonder how all the things could happen to me and Amy, and my mom never did anything to display any kind of protection or barrier.  Why?  We were just little......

Anyway, back to the story. We (the family) were sitting around discussing this memory; and mom pipes up and tells us that she remembers other things.  And proceeds to tell us of other instances where DAD did other irresponsible, abusive things to Amy, Carrie and I.  Mom said it like she was the hero because DAD did it.  Like someone is keeping track of all the horrible things that happened or didn't happen to us as children.

Why doesn't see realize that she did just as much damage as Dad?

For today, I am starting the day off feeling scared and anxious.  I will be saying many prayers for strength and courage today.

A rough Week

I saw Lisa yesterday.  And as usual, I felt a huge amount of anxiety as the time got closer.  It is so interesting to me; what the body is capable of doing.  For years, I have done all that I could to keep the emotion and pain from the abuse I suffered buried deep inside of me.  It has been a lot of work to do this.  It has also taken a lot of energy.  But it has also created a lot of problems for me.   So, now, as I begin the journey of addressing and recognizing these emotions, the pain and the actual extent of the abuse, my body, and brain are fighting.  I know it is time.  It is time to heal, to move on and to forgive. 

I have crazy anxiety attacks.  My heart races, my chest gets tight, I struggle to breathe and a couple times, I have had to take a minute and stop what I was doing in fear that I would pass out.  Brian has noticed a couple times.  It is frightening.  But I am learning that it comes, and it doesn’t last.  So, I let it come.  I take a minute recognize it.  Tell myself that it is ok, that this is what it feels like. And I wait for it to pass.  It scares me.  I am learning to listen to my body, to let it release what it needs to and to be ok after.

Also, I have a mouth full of cankers.  Literally a mouth full. I have blisters on my gums, blisters on the tongue and lips.  They hurt. It makes it difficult to eat. This is from stress.  Hopefully this won’t last too much longer. 

Lisa told me something yesterday that was thought provoking.  She said I was a valiant spirit. She believes (and I do too) that Heavenly Father has valiant Spirits that are sent to earth to change a coarse of evil behavior.  Someone that will change the generations to come.  And for me, to stop the abuse, mental, physical and emotional abuse.  I hope that is me.  I think it is.  I worry that I have done some crazy messed up things to my kids.  But I am trying.  Trying to get my arms around all the anger, the hurt, the manipulation, the ugliness of this. And trying to bring the Spirit of the Lord to my wonderful children and grandchildren. 

I still struggle with the little girl.  How did I survive all the horrible things that happened?  Was I so pathetic that I just sat back, silent and watched the horror.  What did I think as the abuse was taking place?  How did I deal with it?  What did I do when he left me?  Left me dirty and alone?  What were my thoughts?  Did I go to the bathroom to clean up?  OR did I even know that I was messy?

I just cannot imagine what a little girl does.  It makes me sad.  Really sad.  It makes me afraid. That I will soon know these things. That these answers will come to me.  Then what? 

I have turned to the Lord for help.  When all of this happens. When my chest gets tight, when I have feelings of my head being pushed forward. When I can’t breathe.  I pray. I ask for strength, for understanding, and for love.  And I get thru it.  Because of him.  I get thru this.  I know that Heavenly Father loves me.  I know that Jesus Christ understands the pain and hurt.  I know I have help. 

I am grateful for help, support and love of those around me. This is scary, it is just starting.  But I am further along in the recovery than I have ever been. 

Someone Sees My Potential

I have a head full of thoughts, and a heavy confused heart.

I went and saw Lisa yesterday.  It always happens that right before my visit, usually the night before, I start to have doubts, to have panic raise within me.  The whole day I just kept thinking how self-fish this process is for me.  That there is no need for me to do this.  I have lived 40+ years and could probably continue to live like that.

Very first off, I told Lisa I didn't think I wanted to keep doing this. That I felt self-fish and so on.  I could instantly see the dis-appointment in her face, and re-assured her that I wasn't stopping, that I knew I NEEDED to keep working on this, but I felt so much panic and pain that I just didn't THINK I needed to keep coming.

She spent nearly an hour telling me things that I knew, that I needed to hear, that penetrated my heart, my soul and started to make sense to my head.

Healing is not self-fish.  I wouldn't deny myself of medical treatment. I wouldn't think that was self-fish.

We both believe that I am there, was lead there for a reason.  I really do believe this.  I know in my heart,   that Lisa is here to help me.  That I did not get lucky when I "found" her, but I was given this opportunity with Lisa, because my Heavenly Father loves me.  That Lisa has things that will help me.

Lisa and I talked about how the Savior has atoned for me.  That the atonement is not necessarily for those that have sinned, for also for those that have been hurt.  That when I can truly trust the Lord and rest on the atonement, that this pain will be carried by the Savior.

One thing that she said, that no one- NOT ANYONE has ever said is that she can see my pain, and my struggle. But more importantly she can see me healed.  She can see me as a whole person, with my Spirit shinning through.

That gave me so much hope.  Such comfort.  I didn't think that was possible.  I have lived my whole life trapped by the pain.  I have tried so hard to keep how I feel, the pain that is in me, locked away. Pushed down deep.  Most the time I can keep it at bay, but sometimes it over flows and I cannot keep it down.

Could it be true?  Can she really see hope for me?  Is it possible for me to live one day without the constant struggle to keep my thoughts and fears buried down deep?

I feel some hope.

I have spent the last couple months barely surviving.  It has affected me deeply.  I have don't done my best in anything.  Family, home, personally or church.  Honestly the last two days, I have had two people that I work with, make personal phone calls to me to see if I am ok.  I feel embarrassed. I feel ashamed.  I feel tired.

I have been asked to speak in church Sunday.  I don't feel strong enough. I don't feel like it is a good idea, and I don't feel like I can say so.

I have been asked to go to girls camp in a week.  All of those statements are true for this as well.

I am starting to try and acknowledge my fear and pain.  Rather than push it down. I am terrified that doing this will put me in a tail spin.  But I am trying to do a little at a time.

Today when I got out of the shower, I felt panic.  Heart raced, a flash of heat came across my whole being.  I closed my eyes and really tried to feel it.  Then recognized this happens everyday for me.  Every time I get out of the shower.  I don't know why, or what has caused it. But it happens.

I know it doesn't last long.  I think it will happen tomorrow.  If it does, I will feel it.  I will acknowledge. And I will be proud of myself for doing so.

The other thing that I find curious, for the last 6 months; I have had trouble with clenching my jaw.  I do it so much I get headaches and my back teeth hurt.  I have even broke a tooth.  I am having a creeping feeling that this may be related to something.  I am working thru acknowledging it.

I am putting my complete faith and trust in the chance that I can get thru this.  That this burden will be lifted.

There is a darling little girl waiting.  It is time.