Pretending

I am tired of pretending that I am OK, that I don't hurt.  Wishing today that I could be invisible, that I could just disappear. Wishing in the most selfish way that I didn't matter. That I could voluntarily quit. Although I don't really know what that would look like or mean. I do however, wish I didn't feel so unimportant to myself.

I find myself worrying about what I am doing to Brian. He must be tired of all this crap. He must long for a better wife, mother to his children and better friend. All these things I feel so deeply. Slung over my shoulder as a constant reminder of just how broken I am.

I feel crazy, unsettled, unsure, unhappy, unemotional and confused. I don't feel good enough. Good enough for anything. But yet I care.  I care so deeply that I keep moving, trying to make some progress along this narrow path.

I am afraid of being vulnerable and being rejected.  I want attention. I want someone to care about me. I want someone to fight for me. I am so mad that my parents are respecting my space.  It feels like they can live without me.  Ridiculous I know, but I have always felt like I don't matter to anyone.

How could anyone really care about me when I am so ashamed of who I am. Ashamed of the secret that I have buried so deep that even I cannot let it out. Ashamed of what everyone will think. Maybe they will just think that I am not good enough for their affection. Or worse, maybe they will take pity on such a pathetic person. You know like take them under their wing and try to save me.

I feel lost, tired and ashamed of how I could allow myself to get to where I am. I feel like a fake. That perhaps, my facade will be discovered. I don't know how to overcome the weak scared timid little girl.  I fight it. I try to be different than her. I don't want to be anything like her. I want to be different.

I try to be outgoing, engaged, confident and strong. But truth be told I have no idea what my true north is.  Who am I??  Am I strong or timid, reserved or outgoing?

Ashamed is what I am. Ashamed of being mad at that sweet little girl. Ashamed of who I try to be.

I am tired of pretending.

Distracted

Lately all I can think about his abuse. The consequences and how hard it has been, will be and so forth.

I hate that I have to live with this, I hate that it affects my family, I hate that my life could be different... and so on.

I know that this is so important to me, and that there is a time for everything.  I just am not sure that it is good to think about only one thing.  And I don't know how to figure this out.

I talked to my boss yesterday, and have officially applied to an intermittent FMLA.  Which means, I can take time off and be "protected".

I wonder to myself when or how long this will take.  Will it ever be over?  Will i have peace?

I know that Heavenly Father has blessed me more than I feel deserved.  I have had challenges, but not ones that can't be dealt with.

So I will go on. Even if I am distracted.

Bishops Night

Last night was group.  The bishops and husbands came.  It was so good and helpful.  It was hard, emotional and overwhelming.  I cried.  I cried a lot.  I cried more than anyone in the whole meeting. 

Sweet and tender things happened.  At one point, I was crying, trying not to sob, and Lisa reached over and squoze my arm.  She asked if I was OK.  It was sincere.  It felt good, and I felt undeserving of it.  I so appreciate her.  Her love for the Lord, her talent and her willingness to share it and serve.  She is my angel right now.

The information was good. It was helpful. I am sure that Brian felt the Spirit.  He loves me.  I love him.  I feel so blessed to have such a good husband/friend. 

During the meeting, I felt like so much of the content was directed towards me.  But it was ok.  Maybe I am the one that needed it.  Probably. 

There was a guest speaker, Angela.  She has been thru group 2X.  She has peace.  You can tell.  She spoke with love. She spoke with power of the Spirit, and she spoke most of the time looking right at me.  Her eyes had the light of Christ in them. Will mine ever? I felt a kinship to her.  Drawn to her. I know her, trust her and love her. And yet we have never met.

She shared truths, bore her testimony of the Atonement.  And she also spoke directly to the Bishops.  Explaining to them their role.  It was powerful and amazing.

How blessed I feel to have been part of last night.  Healing is happening.  I am overwhelmed and emotional today. But it is part of the plan.  Healing is hard.  It hurts, and it takes time.

alone

A new day. I knew this day would have some challenges.  I planned on staying home, but ended up needing to do a meeting at 8:00 this morning.  Guess that is good. It got me out of bed and on my way to playing a part this day.

I feel alone today.  Surrounded by people and noise and life.  Yet still alone.  As I thought about how I could call or text or Face Book a number of friends and cry for help, or ask for a soft shoulder, or a listening ear.  I instantly thought of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane.  He had the disciples with him.  He knew that the next leg of his journey was one he had to take alone.  So off he went to find a place to speak and counsel with our Father in Heaven.

Perhaps an AHA moment.  A time of clarification. A chance to understand that this leg of the race is to be done by me.  Although loved ones will be beside me, this is to be done alone.  This is my journey.  My time at Gethsemane. Time for my Spirit to commune with the Father. 

I have just gotten here. Although I have pleaded for help, for strength  and understanding, I haven't gotten to the point of saying Thy Will be Done. History tells me I will get there,

I really don't know how to do this.  I am not sure how to cope with all that lies ahead of me, or all that lies behind me. 

Frustrated

I am so frustrated.  I am trying to do what I need to do.  I just cannot get to the emotion of what has happened.  Today in Group we shared our stories.  For me, it was not eventful.  Like I was talking about someone else.  No big deal.  Its like stating facts.  Like here is the evidence.  And I don't care. 

I know that it's not true.  I do care.  I just cannot get thru the wall I have built around.  I don't trust myself with the depth of the feelings.

Today at Group there were only 2 of us.  Looks like the other girl may be canceling.  I am disappointed.  I had hope that this process would help me.  

Frustrated.

I am strong

I haven't done a good job of coming and capturing feelings and thoughts the last couple weeks.  For me, it was a way of avoiding.  It has been a difficult couple weeks.  Emotional for sure.

Started our Group meetings, we have had two meetings. There are three ladies that are in the group.  This next week, we are each sharing our story of abuse and survival.  It has been really overwhelming to think about for me, but good has come from it also.

The last week, sleep has been difficult.  It is always interrupted.  I wake up in the middle of the night, racing pounding heart, sweating and anxious.  I have been trying hard to just recognize it and feel it, and try to just let it be.

I am having a hard time really trusting myself.  Not in the sense that I don't think things happened, but in the fact that I cannot really "feel" or acknowledge how I feel.  It sounds funny, but it is buried so deep down, that I cannot get to it.  I still have a little girl that got hurt, she is scared and trying to protect herself.  I need to get to her, love her and let her know that she is safe, and loved.

I also don't really know about the loving part.  I know that I survived some crazy things, and that they are things that no one should have to go thru, but people do. And most survive. So what makes me different?

See, I have always been different.  I was the one that was chosen to be abused. Not Amy.  Me.  So, I did I get abused?  Why was I so weak.  I did my Dad choose me?  It makes no sense to me.

So, I am preparing to share my story.  My story of abuse, of neglect and of triumph.  I have hope.  I have faith.  I know that if I can survive all that I have gone thru; then I can survive this.  I am strong.  I am good.  And I am a survivor.

RISE

Resilient Individuals Surviving Emotional Trauma

Went to my first Group meeting tonight.  I was scared out of my mind.  Literally!  I woke up around 3 in the morning and was done being in bed.  Jaw was clenched, headache and heart ache.  I thought about it all day at work.  But thankfully was pretty busy at work, so I had some distraction.

Anyway, it went well. Nothing like I expected.  There are 4 ladies in the group.  At this point, we are all pretty guarded, and careful.  It will get better.  I am trying to trust myself and the Lord.  But this is SO hard for me.

I am trying to figure out how I feel.  Like really feel.  It scares me, a lot. I don't know if I can be honest with myself to really acknowledge what I believe and feel about my true self. I feel so much shame and un deserving.  I am trying to have hope that I am worthy of being loved. By my family, my husband and my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  I want to believe that there are really some people that deeply care about me, and want me to get better and be the real Debbie.  But I don't really know it.  I guess I am afraid of not being accepted.  The hurt and shame would be so much if I let myself believe this, and then it didn't happen.

I have to write a story about my abuse to share with the group in two weeks.  I am thinking about this. Of coarse, I want it to be perfect. Which, makes it not real. So I will be rehearsing and putting together my thoughts.  I want to be true to myself, and really share what is inside me.  If I can get to it.

Brian has been so good to me.  I can tell he is trying to understand and love me thru this process.  But I know it is difficult for him.  Heck, it's difficult for me.