Last night was group. The bishops and husbands came. It was so good and helpful. It was hard, emotional and overwhelming. I cried. I cried a lot. I cried more than anyone in the whole meeting.
Sweet and tender things happened. At one point, I was crying, trying not to sob, and Lisa reached over and squoze my arm. She asked if I was OK. It was sincere. It felt good, and I felt undeserving of it. I so appreciate her. Her love for the Lord, her talent and her willingness to share it and serve. She is my angel right now.
The information was good. It was helpful. I am sure that Brian felt the Spirit. He loves me. I love him. I feel so blessed to have such a good husband/friend.
During the meeting, I felt like so much of the content was directed towards me. But it was ok. Maybe I am the one that needed it. Probably.
There was a guest speaker, Angela. She has been thru group 2X. She has peace. You can tell. She spoke with love. She spoke with power of the Spirit, and she spoke most of the time looking right at me. Her eyes had the light of Christ in them. Will mine ever? I felt a kinship to her. Drawn to her. I know her, trust her and love her. And yet we have never met.
She shared truths, bore her testimony of the Atonement. And she also spoke directly to the Bishops. Explaining to them their role. It was powerful and amazing.
How blessed I feel to have been part of last night. Healing is happening. I am overwhelmed and emotional today. But it is part of the plan. Healing is hard. It hurts, and it takes time.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
alone
A new day. I knew this day would have some challenges. I planned on staying home, but ended up needing to do a meeting at 8:00 this morning. Guess that is good. It got me out of bed and on my way to playing a part this day.
I feel alone today. Surrounded by people and noise and life. Yet still alone. As I thought about how I could call or text or Face Book a number of friends and cry for help, or ask for a soft shoulder, or a listening ear. I instantly thought of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. He had the disciples with him. He knew that the next leg of his journey was one he had to take alone. So off he went to find a place to speak and counsel with our Father in Heaven.
Perhaps an AHA moment. A time of clarification. A chance to understand that this leg of the race is to be done by me. Although loved ones will be beside me, this is to be done alone. This is my journey. My time at Gethsemane. Time for my Spirit to commune with the Father.
I have just gotten here. Although I have pleaded for help, for strength and understanding, I haven't gotten to the point of saying Thy Will be Done. History tells me I will get there,
I really don't know how to do this. I am not sure how to cope with all that lies ahead of me, or all that lies behind me.
I feel alone today. Surrounded by people and noise and life. Yet still alone. As I thought about how I could call or text or Face Book a number of friends and cry for help, or ask for a soft shoulder, or a listening ear. I instantly thought of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. He had the disciples with him. He knew that the next leg of his journey was one he had to take alone. So off he went to find a place to speak and counsel with our Father in Heaven.
Perhaps an AHA moment. A time of clarification. A chance to understand that this leg of the race is to be done by me. Although loved ones will be beside me, this is to be done alone. This is my journey. My time at Gethsemane. Time for my Spirit to commune with the Father.
I have just gotten here. Although I have pleaded for help, for strength and understanding, I haven't gotten to the point of saying Thy Will be Done. History tells me I will get there,
I really don't know how to do this. I am not sure how to cope with all that lies ahead of me, or all that lies behind me.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Frustrated
I am so frustrated. I am trying to do what I need to do. I just cannot get to the emotion of what has happened. Today in Group we shared our stories. For me, it was not eventful. Like I was talking about someone else. No big deal. Its like stating facts. Like here is the evidence. And I don't care.
I know that it's not true. I do care. I just cannot get thru the wall I have built around. I don't trust myself with the depth of the feelings.
Today at Group there were only 2 of us. Looks like the other girl may be canceling. I am disappointed. I had hope that this process would help me.
Frustrated.
Monday, September 19, 2011
I am strong
I haven't done a good job of coming and capturing feelings and thoughts the last couple weeks. For me, it was a way of avoiding. It has been a difficult couple weeks. Emotional for sure.
Started our Group meetings, we have had two meetings. There are three ladies that are in the group. This next week, we are each sharing our story of abuse and survival. It has been really overwhelming to think about for me, but good has come from it also.
The last week, sleep has been difficult. It is always interrupted. I wake up in the middle of the night, racing pounding heart, sweating and anxious. I have been trying hard to just recognize it and feel it, and try to just let it be.
I am having a hard time really trusting myself. Not in the sense that I don't think things happened, but in the fact that I cannot really "feel" or acknowledge how I feel. It sounds funny, but it is buried so deep down, that I cannot get to it. I still have a little girl that got hurt, she is scared and trying to protect herself. I need to get to her, love her and let her know that she is safe, and loved.
I also don't really know about the loving part. I know that I survived some crazy things, and that they are things that no one should have to go thru, but people do. And most survive. So what makes me different?
See, I have always been different. I was the one that was chosen to be abused. Not Amy. Me. So, I did I get abused? Why was I so weak. I did my Dad choose me? It makes no sense to me.
So, I am preparing to share my story. My story of abuse, of neglect and of triumph. I have hope. I have faith. I know that if I can survive all that I have gone thru; then I can survive this. I am strong. I am good. And I am a survivor.
Started our Group meetings, we have had two meetings. There are three ladies that are in the group. This next week, we are each sharing our story of abuse and survival. It has been really overwhelming to think about for me, but good has come from it also.
The last week, sleep has been difficult. It is always interrupted. I wake up in the middle of the night, racing pounding heart, sweating and anxious. I have been trying hard to just recognize it and feel it, and try to just let it be.
I am having a hard time really trusting myself. Not in the sense that I don't think things happened, but in the fact that I cannot really "feel" or acknowledge how I feel. It sounds funny, but it is buried so deep down, that I cannot get to it. I still have a little girl that got hurt, she is scared and trying to protect herself. I need to get to her, love her and let her know that she is safe, and loved.
I also don't really know about the loving part. I know that I survived some crazy things, and that they are things that no one should have to go thru, but people do. And most survive. So what makes me different?
See, I have always been different. I was the one that was chosen to be abused. Not Amy. Me. So, I did I get abused? Why was I so weak. I did my Dad choose me? It makes no sense to me.
So, I am preparing to share my story. My story of abuse, of neglect and of triumph. I have hope. I have faith. I know that if I can survive all that I have gone thru; then I can survive this. I am strong. I am good. And I am a survivor.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
RISE
Resilient Individuals Surviving Emotional Trauma
Went to my first Group meeting tonight. I was scared out of my mind. Literally! I woke up around 3 in the morning and was done being in bed. Jaw was clenched, headache and heart ache. I thought about it all day at work. But thankfully was pretty busy at work, so I had some distraction.
Anyway, it went well. Nothing like I expected. There are 4 ladies in the group. At this point, we are all pretty guarded, and careful. It will get better. I am trying to trust myself and the Lord. But this is SO hard for me.
I am trying to figure out how I feel. Like really feel. It scares me, a lot. I don't know if I can be honest with myself to really acknowledge what I believe and feel about my true self. I feel so much shame and un deserving. I am trying to have hope that I am worthy of being loved. By my family, my husband and my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I want to believe that there are really some people that deeply care about me, and want me to get better and be the real Debbie. But I don't really know it. I guess I am afraid of not being accepted. The hurt and shame would be so much if I let myself believe this, and then it didn't happen.
I have to write a story about my abuse to share with the group in two weeks. I am thinking about this. Of coarse, I want it to be perfect. Which, makes it not real. So I will be rehearsing and putting together my thoughts. I want to be true to myself, and really share what is inside me. If I can get to it.
Brian has been so good to me. I can tell he is trying to understand and love me thru this process. But I know it is difficult for him. Heck, it's difficult for me.
Went to my first Group meeting tonight. I was scared out of my mind. Literally! I woke up around 3 in the morning and was done being in bed. Jaw was clenched, headache and heart ache. I thought about it all day at work. But thankfully was pretty busy at work, so I had some distraction.
Anyway, it went well. Nothing like I expected. There are 4 ladies in the group. At this point, we are all pretty guarded, and careful. It will get better. I am trying to trust myself and the Lord. But this is SO hard for me.
I am trying to figure out how I feel. Like really feel. It scares me, a lot. I don't know if I can be honest with myself to really acknowledge what I believe and feel about my true self. I feel so much shame and un deserving. I am trying to have hope that I am worthy of being loved. By my family, my husband and my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I want to believe that there are really some people that deeply care about me, and want me to get better and be the real Debbie. But I don't really know it. I guess I am afraid of not being accepted. The hurt and shame would be so much if I let myself believe this, and then it didn't happen.
I have to write a story about my abuse to share with the group in two weeks. I am thinking about this. Of coarse, I want it to be perfect. Which, makes it not real. So I will be rehearsing and putting together my thoughts. I want to be true to myself, and really share what is inside me. If I can get to it.
Brian has been so good to me. I can tell he is trying to understand and love me thru this process. But I know it is difficult for him. Heck, it's difficult for me.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Run away
It seems like all I have to say is how hard or rough the week has been. But I also want to document and acknowledge my journey. So, it has been a troubling couple of days. Which was expected, especially since the week after girls camp, I felt so good. I felt what I think is normal.
For me, it started with Amy. She is having some trouble, after spending some time trying to convince her that there were and are good things in her life, I felt empty, discouraged and worn out. That night (Thursday) I went to bed feeling dark. I woke up early (4:00 a.m) Friday morning with a racing heart. (See previous post). The rest of the day was really hard for me emotionally. Which I spent the day with Mom, Amy, Carrie and Tim and the girls, Brian, Abbey and Courtney. After a couple hours the tears and heavy heart subsided.
Saturday was Grandma Wayman's birthday bbq. I was still feeling cloudy and dark, but went. We had Madden, and I was excited to share him with his Great Great Grandma. Well, the BBQ didn't go well for me. It spurred up so many feelings. I found myself many times fighting tears. Then to top it off, there were picture of Grandma and Grandpa, along with family pictures of the kids. There was this one picture of Grandma and all her children taken in Aunt Laurene's back yard. There was dad. To me he looked evil. I was staring at the man that molested me. I saw a crazed man. One that literally scared the breath out of me. I found Brian and asked to leave. He wasn't ready, and I didn't want to cause a scene. So we stayed. I tried hard to stay away from everyone. I had a couple Aunts come and ask me if I was ok. I cried.
Then Sunday, we had a BBQ for mom's family. I was not in any position to go. Still feeling assaulted and vulnerable from the night before. We went, I didn't talk to many people. In fact, I hardly spoke to anyone. I felt invisible and worthless. I felt un-important to mom, who didn't say one word to me. Felt like I have my whole life. Not sure why I think it would be any different. But I did.
We left after about an hour. I came home and slept for 2 hours. Still exhausted, I visited with Carrie and the girls and then went back to bed.
Today, I had an appointment with Lisa. These days are always difficult for me. So much anxiety, nervousness and fear. But I went. And I feel better, stronger and blessed every time I leave. What a blessing she is to me.
I prayed the whole day about going. Asking for help in being honest, and doing and saying what I needed to say. Also, asking for help for Lisa, to know what I need to hear and do. It was a very good visit. She always seems to be able to help me understand and look forward to knowing what I need to work on and understand.
We talked about learning who I am. This scares me. I honestly don't know. I don't know what or who my Spirit is. It's a lonely feeling. I will get there. I know this.
This is what keeps me going back. Cuz, I am here to say, that my brain, my knowledge my experience tells me to run away. And not to look back.
For me, it started with Amy. She is having some trouble, after spending some time trying to convince her that there were and are good things in her life, I felt empty, discouraged and worn out. That night (Thursday) I went to bed feeling dark. I woke up early (4:00 a.m) Friday morning with a racing heart. (See previous post). The rest of the day was really hard for me emotionally. Which I spent the day with Mom, Amy, Carrie and Tim and the girls, Brian, Abbey and Courtney. After a couple hours the tears and heavy heart subsided.
Saturday was Grandma Wayman's birthday bbq. I was still feeling cloudy and dark, but went. We had Madden, and I was excited to share him with his Great Great Grandma. Well, the BBQ didn't go well for me. It spurred up so many feelings. I found myself many times fighting tears. Then to top it off, there were picture of Grandma and Grandpa, along with family pictures of the kids. There was this one picture of Grandma and all her children taken in Aunt Laurene's back yard. There was dad. To me he looked evil. I was staring at the man that molested me. I saw a crazed man. One that literally scared the breath out of me. I found Brian and asked to leave. He wasn't ready, and I didn't want to cause a scene. So we stayed. I tried hard to stay away from everyone. I had a couple Aunts come and ask me if I was ok. I cried.
Then Sunday, we had a BBQ for mom's family. I was not in any position to go. Still feeling assaulted and vulnerable from the night before. We went, I didn't talk to many people. In fact, I hardly spoke to anyone. I felt invisible and worthless. I felt un-important to mom, who didn't say one word to me. Felt like I have my whole life. Not sure why I think it would be any different. But I did.
We left after about an hour. I came home and slept for 2 hours. Still exhausted, I visited with Carrie and the girls and then went back to bed.
Today, I had an appointment with Lisa. These days are always difficult for me. So much anxiety, nervousness and fear. But I went. And I feel better, stronger and blessed every time I leave. What a blessing she is to me.
I prayed the whole day about going. Asking for help in being honest, and doing and saying what I needed to say. Also, asking for help for Lisa, to know what I need to hear and do. It was a very good visit. She always seems to be able to help me understand and look forward to knowing what I need to work on and understand.
We talked about learning who I am. This scares me. I honestly don't know. I don't know what or who my Spirit is. It's a lonely feeling. I will get there. I know this.
This is what keeps me going back. Cuz, I am here to say, that my brain, my knowledge my experience tells me to run away. And not to look back.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Friday Morning
A lot of things have happened since I last posted. I have been to Girls Camp, which was amazing, spiritual and something I will never forget.
I have had some very good healthy days. I have experienced joy, and a bit of normalcy.
But this morning, I feel anxious and worried. I feel like a pot of boiling water. My heart is racing (about 120 beats per minute), my jaw is sore from clenching, and my back and tummy hurt. My heart beating so hard woke me up. I have been laying in bed trying to relax, to feel the emotion and to calm myself down. But decided I needed to write. To physically acknowledge.
The other day, we had a BBQ with mom, Arin, Carrie and her family, Lindsay and Jonny, and Amy. It was the first get together where we were all together since Carrie got here. At some point we were all sitting around talking. I can't exactly remember what or who started the conversation. But someone brought up the memory of a time when Amy and I were quite young. Maybe 6-7? Anyway, mom and dad and Amy and I were driving on the Freeway in SLC. (mom has since told us were is Southern Utah in the Zions area and not SLC) Amy and I must have been arguing, because Dad pulled over on the freeway and made Amy and I get out of the car. And then Mom and Dad drove away.
I remember getting out of the car, standing in the gravel next to Amy and hearing the gravel kick up against the wheel wells and they drove away. We sat there an watched as the tail lights and the car slowly disappeared.
I can't remember what Amy and I said to each other, or what we did, or how long they were gone. But I can imagine that this was frightening for those little girls.
I can't imagine a mom, any mom; not throwing a fit to protect her children. How did Mom not protect us? Why didn't she get out of the car and stay with us? Maybe this was her idea? I don't know. But I feel like my mom didn't love me, that she didn't watch out for me, protect and watch over me.
I wonder how all the things could happen to me and Amy, and my mom never did anything to display any kind of protection or barrier. Why? We were just little......
Anyway, back to the story. We (the family) were sitting around discussing this memory; and mom pipes up and tells us that she remembers other things. And proceeds to tell us of other instances where DAD did other irresponsible, abusive things to Amy, Carrie and I. Mom said it like she was the hero because DAD did it. Like someone is keeping track of all the horrible things that happened or didn't happen to us as children.
Why doesn't see realize that she did just as much damage as Dad?
For today, I am starting the day off feeling scared and anxious. I will be saying many prayers for strength and courage today.
I have had some very good healthy days. I have experienced joy, and a bit of normalcy.
But this morning, I feel anxious and worried. I feel like a pot of boiling water. My heart is racing (about 120 beats per minute), my jaw is sore from clenching, and my back and tummy hurt. My heart beating so hard woke me up. I have been laying in bed trying to relax, to feel the emotion and to calm myself down. But decided I needed to write. To physically acknowledge.
The other day, we had a BBQ with mom, Arin, Carrie and her family, Lindsay and Jonny, and Amy. It was the first get together where we were all together since Carrie got here. At some point we were all sitting around talking. I can't exactly remember what or who started the conversation. But someone brought up the memory of a time when Amy and I were quite young. Maybe 6-7? Anyway, mom and dad and Amy and I were driving on the Freeway in SLC. (mom has since told us were is Southern Utah in the Zions area and not SLC) Amy and I must have been arguing, because Dad pulled over on the freeway and made Amy and I get out of the car. And then Mom and Dad drove away.
I remember getting out of the car, standing in the gravel next to Amy and hearing the gravel kick up against the wheel wells and they drove away. We sat there an watched as the tail lights and the car slowly disappeared.
I can't remember what Amy and I said to each other, or what we did, or how long they were gone. But I can imagine that this was frightening for those little girls.
I can't imagine a mom, any mom; not throwing a fit to protect her children. How did Mom not protect us? Why didn't she get out of the car and stay with us? Maybe this was her idea? I don't know. But I feel like my mom didn't love me, that she didn't watch out for me, protect and watch over me.
I wonder how all the things could happen to me and Amy, and my mom never did anything to display any kind of protection or barrier. Why? We were just little......
Anyway, back to the story. We (the family) were sitting around discussing this memory; and mom pipes up and tells us that she remembers other things. And proceeds to tell us of other instances where DAD did other irresponsible, abusive things to Amy, Carrie and I. Mom said it like she was the hero because DAD did it. Like someone is keeping track of all the horrible things that happened or didn't happen to us as children.
Why doesn't see realize that she did just as much damage as Dad?
For today, I am starting the day off feeling scared and anxious. I will be saying many prayers for strength and courage today.
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