Spring has sprung! The trees and flowers are blooming, the grass is greening up, and new life is coming about. Spring is one of my most favorite times of the year. I love the energy that comes from this new season.
I feel a bit like Spring-time. I feel a change taking place within myself. If you will, I too feel like I am blooming.
From an emotional standpoint, I am feeling strong and confident. I haven't had a "down" day for quiet a while. Each day seems to be overpowered by goodness. Dark clouds have become fleeting. All is well.
I have had some difficult things happen over the last couple weeks. Things I am struggling with, trying to make sense of them, and struggling to make them fit. Mom has decided to try from a relationship standpoint. Most would be happy with the effort, I, however; am left feeling perplexed. I want to believe that this time her effort will be sincere, and that I will be able to trust and rely on her. Doesn't every little girl want a momma that they can lean on, laugh with and love? I so desperatly want this. But experience tells me differently. So I struggle with how to allow her the room to make things different, but to protect myself from hurt and harm. I have lately been praying for the strength to do our Father's will. But that is so much easier to say than to actually turn over and let happen.
I am trying. Trying to love her, trying to forgive her, trying to let her be my mom.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
Beautiful Day outside Stormy inside
Today for some reason, I am heavy inside with worry and concern. Not sure what it means, or what is going on. I feel sad. I want to go to bed and hunker down until this goes away. I always wan to go to bed.
A couple things have happened since I last wrote. Brian and I are doing fine. Last time I posted, was at the peak of an event. I love Brian more than I can express. He is really the best support, the one person that loves me. Really loves me. I think that I can be really hard on him. Like I try to test him. To see if he will stay, or mis treat me. After so many years, I cannot believe he has stayed. And I am humbled to know how much he loves me.
We did a time line of our life in Group last week. It was very difficult for me to write down everything. It isn't like I had this big discovery of things, but to see it all written down, was powerful. It shut me down for a day or two. As I looked back on my life, especially as a young child, it is horrifying. It would take a resilient person to survive the mis-treatment and lack of love that I endured.
Crazy, because I feel so weak. I wonder what happened to that strong little girl. Because as an adult I dont have that kind of strength.
A couple things have happened since I last wrote. Brian and I are doing fine. Last time I posted, was at the peak of an event. I love Brian more than I can express. He is really the best support, the one person that loves me. Really loves me. I think that I can be really hard on him. Like I try to test him. To see if he will stay, or mis treat me. After so many years, I cannot believe he has stayed. And I am humbled to know how much he loves me.
We did a time line of our life in Group last week. It was very difficult for me to write down everything. It isn't like I had this big discovery of things, but to see it all written down, was powerful. It shut me down for a day or two. As I looked back on my life, especially as a young child, it is horrifying. It would take a resilient person to survive the mis-treatment and lack of love that I endured.
Crazy, because I feel so weak. I wonder what happened to that strong little girl. Because as an adult I dont have that kind of strength.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
checking in
It has been a while since I have written here. I have been keeping a small journal that is easy to carry around with me. I have tried to use the small one as a way to capture feelings during the counseling process.
Many things have happened. Too many to try to catch up here, but I have had quite a few really amazing spiritual things, and also just as many challenging, difficult and discouraging things happen. I thought I had been doing all the hard work, the digging in, the trying to be honest with myself. To be honest it takes a lot of energy. I have been praying like I never had before, many times a day. Always taking time to thank and look for the wonderful things in my life. But, always spending time asking for help, clarity and direction. I thought I was doing the right thing.
Although, it sounds like things are moving along, and that I could be doing the right things. I have had some very dark and hard things. One thing that has really been a temptation for me, is the temptation when things get really hard, is to cut myself. Now, let me just say, I NEVER intend to do this. But I am tempted to all the time. I believe this is Satan. Mocking me. Knowing when things are hard. The one thing that re-assures me, I do not want to have a scar on my body that will remind me of this difficult time. I have so many wounds and scars inside me, I don't need a physical one.
The other night, I was trying to just quiet my mind, to feel some internal peace. The tears came. They flowed freely. At first it felt like a spring rain. Cleansing. But as the time went by, I began to feel a darkness come over me. My heart and spirit felt heavy. I laid down on the floor with a pillow under my head and let the tears fall.
After a period of time, I heard a voice. This voice was as clear as anything I have heard. It told me to get something and cut myself. That this would help ease the pain. The voice became more belligerent, telling me that I was weak. That if I was not strong enough to cut myself, then there would be no way that I would be strong enough to endure this healing process. As I lay on the floor right in front of me on the bookshelf was a wooden stick with a pointed end. The voice told me to get it and cut my arm. I became very scared, and said out loud, "Leave me alone". Right after I said that, my mind became clear and I had a calming thought to go to Brian. Which I did. I went downstairs and asked to sit by him. I sat and cried for sometime. After a time had passed, I told Brian what had happened. He initially was mad. Mad that I would consider cutting myself. His respond hurt. I felt like I was being honest with him, and that I need his protection. I felt judged.
As the days have gone by, the heaviness in my heart has come and gone. I have felt moments of clearness, but also moments or being scared. I am scared to be alone with my emotions. I don't understand why I would be tempted the way I am.
Then last night I was talking to Brian. I had made an appointment with the Bishop to talk to him, and to get counsel. I started by asking Brian for his opinion and counsel. He ultimately is mad. He told me he feels like all I do, think about is abuse. That I have let the abuse define me. He thinks it is ruining our family. He is mad I am going to counseling. He suggested that I quit.
This to me, was a huge blow. I am not sure what to do. I cancelled my appointment with the Bishop. I am trying to be open to his thoughts, I am trying to take his counsel with an honesty. I am trying to not be offended. I am trying to not go give him a list of things that I think are hurtful to our marriage.
Now, I sit here, not sure what to do. Am I being self-fish? What am I to do? I want to seek after righteousness, to become what I am to be.
My mind is so muddy right now.
Many things have happened. Too many to try to catch up here, but I have had quite a few really amazing spiritual things, and also just as many challenging, difficult and discouraging things happen. I thought I had been doing all the hard work, the digging in, the trying to be honest with myself. To be honest it takes a lot of energy. I have been praying like I never had before, many times a day. Always taking time to thank and look for the wonderful things in my life. But, always spending time asking for help, clarity and direction. I thought I was doing the right thing.
Although, it sounds like things are moving along, and that I could be doing the right things. I have had some very dark and hard things. One thing that has really been a temptation for me, is the temptation when things get really hard, is to cut myself. Now, let me just say, I NEVER intend to do this. But I am tempted to all the time. I believe this is Satan. Mocking me. Knowing when things are hard. The one thing that re-assures me, I do not want to have a scar on my body that will remind me of this difficult time. I have so many wounds and scars inside me, I don't need a physical one.
The other night, I was trying to just quiet my mind, to feel some internal peace. The tears came. They flowed freely. At first it felt like a spring rain. Cleansing. But as the time went by, I began to feel a darkness come over me. My heart and spirit felt heavy. I laid down on the floor with a pillow under my head and let the tears fall.
After a period of time, I heard a voice. This voice was as clear as anything I have heard. It told me to get something and cut myself. That this would help ease the pain. The voice became more belligerent, telling me that I was weak. That if I was not strong enough to cut myself, then there would be no way that I would be strong enough to endure this healing process. As I lay on the floor right in front of me on the bookshelf was a wooden stick with a pointed end. The voice told me to get it and cut my arm. I became very scared, and said out loud, "Leave me alone". Right after I said that, my mind became clear and I had a calming thought to go to Brian. Which I did. I went downstairs and asked to sit by him. I sat and cried for sometime. After a time had passed, I told Brian what had happened. He initially was mad. Mad that I would consider cutting myself. His respond hurt. I felt like I was being honest with him, and that I need his protection. I felt judged.
As the days have gone by, the heaviness in my heart has come and gone. I have felt moments of clearness, but also moments or being scared. I am scared to be alone with my emotions. I don't understand why I would be tempted the way I am.
Then last night I was talking to Brian. I had made an appointment with the Bishop to talk to him, and to get counsel. I started by asking Brian for his opinion and counsel. He ultimately is mad. He told me he feels like all I do, think about is abuse. That I have let the abuse define me. He thinks it is ruining our family. He is mad I am going to counseling. He suggested that I quit.
This to me, was a huge blow. I am not sure what to do. I cancelled my appointment with the Bishop. I am trying to be open to his thoughts, I am trying to take his counsel with an honesty. I am trying to not be offended. I am trying to not go give him a list of things that I think are hurtful to our marriage.
Now, I sit here, not sure what to do. Am I being self-fish? What am I to do? I want to seek after righteousness, to become what I am to be.
My mind is so muddy right now.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Giving Thought
Yesterday was Thanksgiving. A beautiful day. Spent with my beautiful daughters and wonderful husband. Of coarse I cuddled with Krew and played with Madden. Who by the way could not get enough of Grandma. He would wander away for a bit to play with cousins, and soon be tugging on my pant leg and motioning me an invitation to join them in his room.
This day was also spent with a heavy heart. With recent declaration of needing some space and time away from my parents, my thoughts were constantly being drawn to this decision.
Oh how I long for a story book family. One that begins with once upon a time.... and ends with forever and always, or for all of eternity, or happily ever after. Perhaps I have this, and I just am so caught up in the middle of the story that I cannot see it for what it is.
I must find a way to separate my existence with the experiences I have had. I am more than a survivor of child abuse, I am more than the experiences I have had on this earth. I existed before this time, and I will exists after.
Could it be possible that one of my most valuable experiences on this earth would be to be a survivor of child abuse? Are there only some lessons that I would learn if only for this experience?
How is it, that this experience could be some powerful that it could occupy so much of what I do, what I think and how I act? Do others have such experiences? Or, perhaps; I am making this a bigger deal than it is? Am I seeking attention by making this such a big deal? Has this become my perpetual wound, that as soon as it starts to heal, I pick the scab off?
I think things like this constantly. My mind runs rampant with this poison. Questioning everything about everything. Not able to trust even the simplest of thoughts, of decisions, of actions. What is the motive? What will I get out of this or that?
I feel guilty for leaving my parents. For moving on without them. Less than a month, and I am wondering what I have done. Have I hurt them? Have I done this in a effort to protect myself, but really knowing how badly it would hurt them?
I hear stories about my Dad being depressed and upset. Secretly does it satisfy me? How do I feel about this? How should I feel about this? What could I get out of this? If I play things correctly, what would my gain be? And then Mom. What about Mom? Is she capable of even knowing how she feels? Does it matter to me? Should it matter to me?
Amy is upset, but stepping up. Which makes me glad. Glad that she is taking a turn. Maybe this time is for her, for her to grow. Hell! Why would I even think that this is my "job" to teach her something.
I literally cannot turn this dialogue off in my head. It goes non stop. I pray for quietness to overcome me. It does for moments. But as soon as I recognize the silence, I put the thoughts right back into high gear.
Am I more than this experience. I believe I am, if I can conquer the tug of war.
This day was also spent with a heavy heart. With recent declaration of needing some space and time away from my parents, my thoughts were constantly being drawn to this decision.
Oh how I long for a story book family. One that begins with once upon a time.... and ends with forever and always, or for all of eternity, or happily ever after. Perhaps I have this, and I just am so caught up in the middle of the story that I cannot see it for what it is.
I must find a way to separate my existence with the experiences I have had. I am more than a survivor of child abuse, I am more than the experiences I have had on this earth. I existed before this time, and I will exists after.
Could it be possible that one of my most valuable experiences on this earth would be to be a survivor of child abuse? Are there only some lessons that I would learn if only for this experience?
How is it, that this experience could be some powerful that it could occupy so much of what I do, what I think and how I act? Do others have such experiences? Or, perhaps; I am making this a bigger deal than it is? Am I seeking attention by making this such a big deal? Has this become my perpetual wound, that as soon as it starts to heal, I pick the scab off?
I think things like this constantly. My mind runs rampant with this poison. Questioning everything about everything. Not able to trust even the simplest of thoughts, of decisions, of actions. What is the motive? What will I get out of this or that?
I feel guilty for leaving my parents. For moving on without them. Less than a month, and I am wondering what I have done. Have I hurt them? Have I done this in a effort to protect myself, but really knowing how badly it would hurt them?
I hear stories about my Dad being depressed and upset. Secretly does it satisfy me? How do I feel about this? How should I feel about this? What could I get out of this? If I play things correctly, what would my gain be? And then Mom. What about Mom? Is she capable of even knowing how she feels? Does it matter to me? Should it matter to me?
Amy is upset, but stepping up. Which makes me glad. Glad that she is taking a turn. Maybe this time is for her, for her to grow. Hell! Why would I even think that this is my "job" to teach her something.
I literally cannot turn this dialogue off in my head. It goes non stop. I pray for quietness to overcome me. It does for moments. But as soon as I recognize the silence, I put the thoughts right back into high gear.
Am I more than this experience. I believe I am, if I can conquer the tug of war.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Ask and Ye Shall Receive.....
In the scriptures, we read: And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive. I believe that. But I also believe that we have a Father in Heaven that knows what is better for us than maybe we know, believe or want for ourselves. Does this mean that this scripture isn't true? It doesn't say, ask in prayer believing, and ye shall receive if I think it is best for you. (italics added with a little sarcasm). I think it means, we will at some point have an understanding, or be given the peace that comes from forgiveness, or the talents when the time is right.
I have petitioned the Lord many times for relief, understanding, to be healed from the cross I bear. And I have asked a lot, I have pleaded, tried to bargain, begged and even tried getting mad. Still the cross is there.
This big heavy cross I carry is making me tired. So tired that at times, I cannot get out of bed. It sometimes casts such a shadow that it is nearly impossible to see the Son (sun). These are the days that I pray for this to be over. One way or the other.
Relief comes on occasion. I notice not such a heavy load. I seem stronger. An answer to prayer in the form of added strength or a load lightened. If only for a minute. To give me time to catch my breathe.
“Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a ‘healing’ cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are ‘healed’ by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us.” Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, “He Heals the Heavy Laden,” Ensign, Nov. 2006, 7–8.
We all have challenges, struggles and trials. Some come and go, some linger, some are difficult and some a quick to leave their mark. Some people wear their burdens well, others do not. But they are there.
I know that this journey that I am on right now, is a refiners fire for me. I am either going to come out stronger and let the blessings of the atonement work in my life, or it will consume me. I am confident that my father knows what is going on with me. He has sent and will send, people along my way to lighten the load. I believe that he prepared me as best a father could; as I prepared to leave is side to come to earth. I cannot imagine him not sitting down with me and providing counsel and instruction as I headed out to my first day at "School". A father's blessing was given, a hug and a wave good-bye as I began my earthly journey. We both knew it would be hard. And I agreed to come.
Now the work is at hand. I must figure out how to endure, recover and rebound. Slowly, ever so slowly I am remembering, and learning what needs to be done. I am rediscovering who I was and who I want to be. How this will strengthen me.
I believe all things, I will hope for all things, I have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, I will seek after these things.
I know that this journey that I am on right now, is a refiners fire for me. I am either going to come out stronger and let the blessings of the atonement work in my life, or it will consume me. I am confident that my father knows what is going on with me. He has sent and will send, people along my way to lighten the load. I believe that he prepared me as best a father could; as I prepared to leave is side to come to earth. I cannot imagine him not sitting down with me and providing counsel and instruction as I headed out to my first day at "School". A father's blessing was given, a hug and a wave good-bye as I began my earthly journey. We both knew it would be hard. And I agreed to come.
Now the work is at hand. I must figure out how to endure, recover and rebound. Slowly, ever so slowly I am remembering, and learning what needs to be done. I am rediscovering who I was and who I want to be. How this will strengthen me.
I believe all things, I will hope for all things, I have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, I will seek after these things.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Pretending
I am tired of pretending that I am OK, that I don't hurt. Wishing today that I could be invisible, that I could just disappear. Wishing in the most selfish way that I didn't matter. That I could voluntarily quit. Although I don't really know what that would look like or mean. I do however, wish I didn't feel so unimportant to myself.
I find myself worrying about what I am doing to Brian. He must be tired of all this crap. He must long for a better wife, mother to his children and better friend. All these things I feel so deeply. Slung over my shoulder as a constant reminder of just how broken I am.
I feel crazy, unsettled, unsure, unhappy, unemotional and confused. I don't feel good enough. Good enough for anything. But yet I care. I care so deeply that I keep moving, trying to make some progress along this narrow path.
I am afraid of being vulnerable and being rejected. I want attention. I want someone to care about me. I want someone to fight for me. I am so mad that my parents are respecting my space. It feels like they can live without me. Ridiculous I know, but I have always felt like I don't matter to anyone.
How could anyone really care about me when I am so ashamed of who I am. Ashamed of the secret that I have buried so deep that even I cannot let it out. Ashamed of what everyone will think. Maybe they will just think that I am not good enough for their affection. Or worse, maybe they will take pity on such a pathetic person. You know like take them under their wing and try to save me.
I feel lost, tired and ashamed of how I could allow myself to get to where I am. I feel like a fake. That perhaps, my facade will be discovered. I don't know how to overcome the weak scared timid little girl. I fight it. I try to be different than her. I don't want to be anything like her. I want to be different.
I try to be outgoing, engaged, confident and strong. But truth be told I have no idea what my true north is. Who am I?? Am I strong or timid, reserved or outgoing?
Ashamed is what I am. Ashamed of being mad at that sweet little girl. Ashamed of who I try to be.
I am tired of pretending.
I find myself worrying about what I am doing to Brian. He must be tired of all this crap. He must long for a better wife, mother to his children and better friend. All these things I feel so deeply. Slung over my shoulder as a constant reminder of just how broken I am.
I feel crazy, unsettled, unsure, unhappy, unemotional and confused. I don't feel good enough. Good enough for anything. But yet I care. I care so deeply that I keep moving, trying to make some progress along this narrow path.
I am afraid of being vulnerable and being rejected. I want attention. I want someone to care about me. I want someone to fight for me. I am so mad that my parents are respecting my space. It feels like they can live without me. Ridiculous I know, but I have always felt like I don't matter to anyone.
How could anyone really care about me when I am so ashamed of who I am. Ashamed of the secret that I have buried so deep that even I cannot let it out. Ashamed of what everyone will think. Maybe they will just think that I am not good enough for their affection. Or worse, maybe they will take pity on such a pathetic person. You know like take them under their wing and try to save me.
I feel lost, tired and ashamed of how I could allow myself to get to where I am. I feel like a fake. That perhaps, my facade will be discovered. I don't know how to overcome the weak scared timid little girl. I fight it. I try to be different than her. I don't want to be anything like her. I want to be different.
I try to be outgoing, engaged, confident and strong. But truth be told I have no idea what my true north is. Who am I?? Am I strong or timid, reserved or outgoing?
Ashamed is what I am. Ashamed of being mad at that sweet little girl. Ashamed of who I try to be.
I am tired of pretending.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Distracted
Lately all I can think about his abuse. The consequences and how hard it has been, will be and so forth.
I hate that I have to live with this, I hate that it affects my family, I hate that my life could be different... and so on.
I know that this is so important to me, and that there is a time for everything. I just am not sure that it is good to think about only one thing. And I don't know how to figure this out.
I talked to my boss yesterday, and have officially applied to an intermittent FMLA. Which means, I can take time off and be "protected".
I wonder to myself when or how long this will take. Will it ever be over? Will i have peace?
I know that Heavenly Father has blessed me more than I feel deserved. I have had challenges, but not ones that can't be dealt with.
So I will go on. Even if I am distracted.
I hate that I have to live with this, I hate that it affects my family, I hate that my life could be different... and so on.
I know that this is so important to me, and that there is a time for everything. I just am not sure that it is good to think about only one thing. And I don't know how to figure this out.
I talked to my boss yesterday, and have officially applied to an intermittent FMLA. Which means, I can take time off and be "protected".
I wonder to myself when or how long this will take. Will it ever be over? Will i have peace?
I know that Heavenly Father has blessed me more than I feel deserved. I have had challenges, but not ones that can't be dealt with.
So I will go on. Even if I am distracted.
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