It has been a while since I have written here. I have been keeping a small journal that is easy to carry around with me. I have tried to use the small one as a way to capture feelings during the counseling process.
Many things have happened. Too many to try to catch up here, but I have had quite a few really amazing spiritual things, and also just as many challenging, difficult and discouraging things happen. I thought I had been doing all the hard work, the digging in, the trying to be honest with myself. To be honest it takes a lot of energy. I have been praying like I never had before, many times a day. Always taking time to thank and look for the wonderful things in my life. But, always spending time asking for help, clarity and direction. I thought I was doing the right thing.
Although, it sounds like things are moving along, and that I could be doing the right things. I have had some very dark and hard things. One thing that has really been a temptation for me, is the temptation when things get really hard, is to cut myself. Now, let me just say, I NEVER intend to do this. But I am tempted to all the time. I believe this is Satan. Mocking me. Knowing when things are hard. The one thing that re-assures me, I do not want to have a scar on my body that will remind me of this difficult time. I have so many wounds and scars inside me, I don't need a physical one.
The other night, I was trying to just quiet my mind, to feel some internal peace. The tears came. They flowed freely. At first it felt like a spring rain. Cleansing. But as the time went by, I began to feel a darkness come over me. My heart and spirit felt heavy. I laid down on the floor with a pillow under my head and let the tears fall.
After a period of time, I heard a voice. This voice was as clear as anything I have heard. It told me to get something and cut myself. That this would help ease the pain. The voice became more belligerent, telling me that I was weak. That if I was not strong enough to cut myself, then there would be no way that I would be strong enough to endure this healing process. As I lay on the floor right in front of me on the bookshelf was a wooden stick with a pointed end. The voice told me to get it and cut my arm. I became very scared, and said out loud, "Leave me alone". Right after I said that, my mind became clear and I had a calming thought to go to Brian. Which I did. I went downstairs and asked to sit by him. I sat and cried for sometime. After a time had passed, I told Brian what had happened. He initially was mad. Mad that I would consider cutting myself. His respond hurt. I felt like I was being honest with him, and that I need his protection. I felt judged.
As the days have gone by, the heaviness in my heart has come and gone. I have felt moments of clearness, but also moments or being scared. I am scared to be alone with my emotions. I don't understand why I would be tempted the way I am.
Then last night I was talking to Brian. I had made an appointment with the Bishop to talk to him, and to get counsel. I started by asking Brian for his opinion and counsel. He ultimately is mad. He told me he feels like all I do, think about is abuse. That I have let the abuse define me. He thinks it is ruining our family. He is mad I am going to counseling. He suggested that I quit.
This to me, was a huge blow. I am not sure what to do. I cancelled my appointment with the Bishop. I am trying to be open to his thoughts, I am trying to take his counsel with an honesty. I am trying to not be offended. I am trying to not go give him a list of things that I think are hurtful to our marriage.
Now, I sit here, not sure what to do. Am I being self-fish? What am I to do? I want to seek after righteousness, to become what I am to be.
My mind is so muddy right now.
