Spring has sprung! The trees and flowers are blooming, the grass is greening up, and new life is coming about. Spring is one of my most favorite times of the year. I love the energy that comes from this new season.
I feel a bit like Spring-time. I feel a change taking place within myself. If you will, I too feel like I am blooming.
From an emotional standpoint, I am feeling strong and confident. I haven't had a "down" day for quiet a while. Each day seems to be overpowered by goodness. Dark clouds have become fleeting. All is well.
I have had some difficult things happen over the last couple weeks. Things I am struggling with, trying to make sense of them, and struggling to make them fit. Mom has decided to try from a relationship standpoint. Most would be happy with the effort, I, however; am left feeling perplexed. I want to believe that this time her effort will be sincere, and that I will be able to trust and rely on her. Doesn't every little girl want a momma that they can lean on, laugh with and love? I so desperatly want this. But experience tells me differently. So I struggle with how to allow her the room to make things different, but to protect myself from hurt and harm. I have lately been praying for the strength to do our Father's will. But that is so much easier to say than to actually turn over and let happen.
I am trying. Trying to love her, trying to forgive her, trying to let her be my mom.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
Beautiful Day outside Stormy inside
Today for some reason, I am heavy inside with worry and concern. Not sure what it means, or what is going on. I feel sad. I want to go to bed and hunker down until this goes away. I always wan to go to bed.
A couple things have happened since I last wrote. Brian and I are doing fine. Last time I posted, was at the peak of an event. I love Brian more than I can express. He is really the best support, the one person that loves me. Really loves me. I think that I can be really hard on him. Like I try to test him. To see if he will stay, or mis treat me. After so many years, I cannot believe he has stayed. And I am humbled to know how much he loves me.
We did a time line of our life in Group last week. It was very difficult for me to write down everything. It isn't like I had this big discovery of things, but to see it all written down, was powerful. It shut me down for a day or two. As I looked back on my life, especially as a young child, it is horrifying. It would take a resilient person to survive the mis-treatment and lack of love that I endured.
Crazy, because I feel so weak. I wonder what happened to that strong little girl. Because as an adult I dont have that kind of strength.
A couple things have happened since I last wrote. Brian and I are doing fine. Last time I posted, was at the peak of an event. I love Brian more than I can express. He is really the best support, the one person that loves me. Really loves me. I think that I can be really hard on him. Like I try to test him. To see if he will stay, or mis treat me. After so many years, I cannot believe he has stayed. And I am humbled to know how much he loves me.
We did a time line of our life in Group last week. It was very difficult for me to write down everything. It isn't like I had this big discovery of things, but to see it all written down, was powerful. It shut me down for a day or two. As I looked back on my life, especially as a young child, it is horrifying. It would take a resilient person to survive the mis-treatment and lack of love that I endured.
Crazy, because I feel so weak. I wonder what happened to that strong little girl. Because as an adult I dont have that kind of strength.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
checking in
It has been a while since I have written here. I have been keeping a small journal that is easy to carry around with me. I have tried to use the small one as a way to capture feelings during the counseling process.
Many things have happened. Too many to try to catch up here, but I have had quite a few really amazing spiritual things, and also just as many challenging, difficult and discouraging things happen. I thought I had been doing all the hard work, the digging in, the trying to be honest with myself. To be honest it takes a lot of energy. I have been praying like I never had before, many times a day. Always taking time to thank and look for the wonderful things in my life. But, always spending time asking for help, clarity and direction. I thought I was doing the right thing.
Although, it sounds like things are moving along, and that I could be doing the right things. I have had some very dark and hard things. One thing that has really been a temptation for me, is the temptation when things get really hard, is to cut myself. Now, let me just say, I NEVER intend to do this. But I am tempted to all the time. I believe this is Satan. Mocking me. Knowing when things are hard. The one thing that re-assures me, I do not want to have a scar on my body that will remind me of this difficult time. I have so many wounds and scars inside me, I don't need a physical one.
The other night, I was trying to just quiet my mind, to feel some internal peace. The tears came. They flowed freely. At first it felt like a spring rain. Cleansing. But as the time went by, I began to feel a darkness come over me. My heart and spirit felt heavy. I laid down on the floor with a pillow under my head and let the tears fall.
After a period of time, I heard a voice. This voice was as clear as anything I have heard. It told me to get something and cut myself. That this would help ease the pain. The voice became more belligerent, telling me that I was weak. That if I was not strong enough to cut myself, then there would be no way that I would be strong enough to endure this healing process. As I lay on the floor right in front of me on the bookshelf was a wooden stick with a pointed end. The voice told me to get it and cut my arm. I became very scared, and said out loud, "Leave me alone". Right after I said that, my mind became clear and I had a calming thought to go to Brian. Which I did. I went downstairs and asked to sit by him. I sat and cried for sometime. After a time had passed, I told Brian what had happened. He initially was mad. Mad that I would consider cutting myself. His respond hurt. I felt like I was being honest with him, and that I need his protection. I felt judged.
As the days have gone by, the heaviness in my heart has come and gone. I have felt moments of clearness, but also moments or being scared. I am scared to be alone with my emotions. I don't understand why I would be tempted the way I am.
Then last night I was talking to Brian. I had made an appointment with the Bishop to talk to him, and to get counsel. I started by asking Brian for his opinion and counsel. He ultimately is mad. He told me he feels like all I do, think about is abuse. That I have let the abuse define me. He thinks it is ruining our family. He is mad I am going to counseling. He suggested that I quit.
This to me, was a huge blow. I am not sure what to do. I cancelled my appointment with the Bishop. I am trying to be open to his thoughts, I am trying to take his counsel with an honesty. I am trying to not be offended. I am trying to not go give him a list of things that I think are hurtful to our marriage.
Now, I sit here, not sure what to do. Am I being self-fish? What am I to do? I want to seek after righteousness, to become what I am to be.
My mind is so muddy right now.
Many things have happened. Too many to try to catch up here, but I have had quite a few really amazing spiritual things, and also just as many challenging, difficult and discouraging things happen. I thought I had been doing all the hard work, the digging in, the trying to be honest with myself. To be honest it takes a lot of energy. I have been praying like I never had before, many times a day. Always taking time to thank and look for the wonderful things in my life. But, always spending time asking for help, clarity and direction. I thought I was doing the right thing.
Although, it sounds like things are moving along, and that I could be doing the right things. I have had some very dark and hard things. One thing that has really been a temptation for me, is the temptation when things get really hard, is to cut myself. Now, let me just say, I NEVER intend to do this. But I am tempted to all the time. I believe this is Satan. Mocking me. Knowing when things are hard. The one thing that re-assures me, I do not want to have a scar on my body that will remind me of this difficult time. I have so many wounds and scars inside me, I don't need a physical one.
The other night, I was trying to just quiet my mind, to feel some internal peace. The tears came. They flowed freely. At first it felt like a spring rain. Cleansing. But as the time went by, I began to feel a darkness come over me. My heart and spirit felt heavy. I laid down on the floor with a pillow under my head and let the tears fall.
After a period of time, I heard a voice. This voice was as clear as anything I have heard. It told me to get something and cut myself. That this would help ease the pain. The voice became more belligerent, telling me that I was weak. That if I was not strong enough to cut myself, then there would be no way that I would be strong enough to endure this healing process. As I lay on the floor right in front of me on the bookshelf was a wooden stick with a pointed end. The voice told me to get it and cut my arm. I became very scared, and said out loud, "Leave me alone". Right after I said that, my mind became clear and I had a calming thought to go to Brian. Which I did. I went downstairs and asked to sit by him. I sat and cried for sometime. After a time had passed, I told Brian what had happened. He initially was mad. Mad that I would consider cutting myself. His respond hurt. I felt like I was being honest with him, and that I need his protection. I felt judged.
As the days have gone by, the heaviness in my heart has come and gone. I have felt moments of clearness, but also moments or being scared. I am scared to be alone with my emotions. I don't understand why I would be tempted the way I am.
Then last night I was talking to Brian. I had made an appointment with the Bishop to talk to him, and to get counsel. I started by asking Brian for his opinion and counsel. He ultimately is mad. He told me he feels like all I do, think about is abuse. That I have let the abuse define me. He thinks it is ruining our family. He is mad I am going to counseling. He suggested that I quit.
This to me, was a huge blow. I am not sure what to do. I cancelled my appointment with the Bishop. I am trying to be open to his thoughts, I am trying to take his counsel with an honesty. I am trying to not be offended. I am trying to not go give him a list of things that I think are hurtful to our marriage.
Now, I sit here, not sure what to do. Am I being self-fish? What am I to do? I want to seek after righteousness, to become what I am to be.
My mind is so muddy right now.
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