Well, not much has actually happened lately. I have tried to establish some safe boundaries for me. Not really vocalized them, but created some distance between my mom and my dad. I am sure my dad has any idea about any of this, and he may be confused as to why we haven't been over there. Oh-well.
I have had many thoughts about what I am doing, and why I am doing it. It seems a bit pointless when I am not actually struggling. But I cannot stop, not right now.
Last week, the girls and I were out getting lunch and going to a movie. I stayed home from work, just wasn't feeling strong enough to "play the part". Anyway, while we were getting lunch, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a young girl. Probably 10-12. She looked a little unkept, incredibly insecure, and timid. Instantly I felt the pain of being that age. Tears welled up and I became very emotional. I wondered if anyone ever saw me? Did anyone EVER in my life see a little girl that was helpless, and hopeless? Did I ever have the courage to make eye contact with anyone in hopes that my pleading eyes would shout out that I needed help?
For the rest of the day, I cried, I yelled at the girls for no good reason. I felt guilty for taking out my feelings on the girls. I felt incredible pain.
I tried to tell myself, my little girl that I was brave, and strong and worthwhile. But the pain was real, sharp and cutting. The rest of the day, was dark and miserable.
I have tried to be aware of myself and my feelings. But it is hard to be honest with myself. I have to say that I am still disappointed and ashamed of the little girl. But my brain/head tells me how brave she was. That she is a hero for surviving. But my heart and Spirit still struggle.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Hidden Angels
This week has been an eye opening blessing for me. I have realized how many people have been placed in my life to love and provide encouragement. I have a good life, I am loved.
This makes it easier and safer to go thru this.
I have also felt stress. Not sleeping well and clenching my teeth.
things will get better!
This makes it easier and safer to go thru this.
I have also felt stress. Not sleeping well and clenching my teeth.
things will get better!
Hidden Angels
This week has been an eye opening blessing for me. I have realized how many people have been placed in my life to love and provide encouragement. I have a good life, I am loved.
This makes it easier and safer to go thru this.
I have also felt stress. Not sleeping well and clenching my teeth.
things will get better!
This makes it easier and safer to go thru this.
I have also felt stress. Not sleeping well and clenching my teeth.
things will get better!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
fork in the road
I have come to a fork in the road. One side it to continue to struggle, push down the hurt and emotion of my childhood, the other a road to recovery.
I have chosen to start counseling again. I have found/been led to a counselor that I immediately felt connected to. Her name is Lisa Bradford. She is LDS, and specialized in helping Adults that have been molested as children. The minute I found her (on a web-site) I knew, my spirit knew that she would be the one to help me. I instantly felt drawn to her. I had a bit of a struggle with insurance, but it has been worked out.
I have been to her three times. We are working on a couple things, but to start with; she has asked me to read a book called "Boundaries". It is from a Christian Author. Not LDS, but there are a lot of references from the Bible. And the Spirit of the intent is there, bearing witness to me of the meaning.
The first week, was good. Lisa talked to me about how she approaches counseling. She doesn't necessarily want me to recall every little thing. But has found it to be helpful to discuss issues that come up. To talk about what is going on. To help me identify the triggers, and to work thru them.
What relief this brought to me. I came home feeling understood, loved, and sense of trust from Lisa that I had never felt before. I was excited to talk to Brian about this. But, when I got home Brian didn't ask about it. It really hurt my feelings. So after dinner, and me acting moody and angry, Brian and I went out to the front porch and talked.
The conversation started off strained. Brian frustrated, not wanting me to do this, not understanding just how much I need to do this. At one point he told me that if I did this, he didn't think our marriage would make it. I began to think that I would have to choose. Knowing that I couldn't live like I had been living, and knowing that I couldn't live without him. I was devastated. I said many prayers during our talk, and thru help from our Father in Heaven, it worked out. We ended feeling love for each other, and hope for things to get better.
That weekend, I felt a strong need to get a picture of me as a baby framed and hung it in our bedroom. It reminds me that of this darling little girl. So perfect and beautiful and innocent. There is hope in her eyes. I want to love and respect that little girl. But sometimes I feel so ashamed. Disappointed that I wasn't stronger, that I wasn't braver. My head tells me this is non sense, but I still feel it in my heart.
The second week, went well. I actually went into the appointment feeling as though everything was good, and that maybe I didn't need to keep going. I knew in my heart and Spirit this isn't the case, but still felt like there was nothing to talk about. We started off talking about me not feeling like I needed to be there.
We spent most of the time talking about boundaries. What and when and who I should let in. When it is appropriate, and when it isn't. So interesting to me. I definitely have problems. I don't trust many, I long for connections, but just am not able to do it.
The week that followed was super hard. I didn't sleep. I tossed and turned, woke up feeling heavy and defeated. Bogged down. Finally on Friday I slept. Felt much better Saturday and Sunday.
Then Monday came. The day to visit with Lisa again. I was miserable. Teary, really bad headache and upset stomach. I walked into her office feeling guarded and scared.
The visit went well, I cried, I talked about memories and things I hadn't really told anyone. Horrific things a little girl of any age would have to deal with! She listened, was shocked, we laughed, and I felt relieved to have gotten some of it out.
I came home feeling burdened. Feeling exhausted emotionally. Lindsay and Madden were here. And I felt bad about that. I love them both so much, but I just didn't have the needed strength. Lindsay ended up going home because Madden wasn't feeling well. When she left, I went to bed.
I tossed and turned all night. Woke up early this morning with a raging headache. Took some Advil, and went back to bed. Finally got to work at 10.
This is going to be hard. I have faith and hope that I can dig thru this. That I can let my little angel know that she is brave, beautiful and loved. I am scared. I would be lying to say anything different. But I do know that with the help of my Father in Heaven and those that he placed/places in my life, I can get better. That I can be stronger and better. That I can be who I am suppose to be. Whoever that is. I will be beautiful, and amazing and true to myself.
I have chosen to start counseling again. I have found/been led to a counselor that I immediately felt connected to. Her name is Lisa Bradford. She is LDS, and specialized in helping Adults that have been molested as children. The minute I found her (on a web-site) I knew, my spirit knew that she would be the one to help me. I instantly felt drawn to her. I had a bit of a struggle with insurance, but it has been worked out.
I have been to her three times. We are working on a couple things, but to start with; she has asked me to read a book called "Boundaries". It is from a Christian Author. Not LDS, but there are a lot of references from the Bible. And the Spirit of the intent is there, bearing witness to me of the meaning.
The first week, was good. Lisa talked to me about how she approaches counseling. She doesn't necessarily want me to recall every little thing. But has found it to be helpful to discuss issues that come up. To talk about what is going on. To help me identify the triggers, and to work thru them.
What relief this brought to me. I came home feeling understood, loved, and sense of trust from Lisa that I had never felt before. I was excited to talk to Brian about this. But, when I got home Brian didn't ask about it. It really hurt my feelings. So after dinner, and me acting moody and angry, Brian and I went out to the front porch and talked.
The conversation started off strained. Brian frustrated, not wanting me to do this, not understanding just how much I need to do this. At one point he told me that if I did this, he didn't think our marriage would make it. I began to think that I would have to choose. Knowing that I couldn't live like I had been living, and knowing that I couldn't live without him. I was devastated. I said many prayers during our talk, and thru help from our Father in Heaven, it worked out. We ended feeling love for each other, and hope for things to get better.
That weekend, I felt a strong need to get a picture of me as a baby framed and hung it in our bedroom. It reminds me that of this darling little girl. So perfect and beautiful and innocent. There is hope in her eyes. I want to love and respect that little girl. But sometimes I feel so ashamed. Disappointed that I wasn't stronger, that I wasn't braver. My head tells me this is non sense, but I still feel it in my heart.
The second week, went well. I actually went into the appointment feeling as though everything was good, and that maybe I didn't need to keep going. I knew in my heart and Spirit this isn't the case, but still felt like there was nothing to talk about. We started off talking about me not feeling like I needed to be there.
We spent most of the time talking about boundaries. What and when and who I should let in. When it is appropriate, and when it isn't. So interesting to me. I definitely have problems. I don't trust many, I long for connections, but just am not able to do it.
The week that followed was super hard. I didn't sleep. I tossed and turned, woke up feeling heavy and defeated. Bogged down. Finally on Friday I slept. Felt much better Saturday and Sunday.
Then Monday came. The day to visit with Lisa again. I was miserable. Teary, really bad headache and upset stomach. I walked into her office feeling guarded and scared.
The visit went well, I cried, I talked about memories and things I hadn't really told anyone. Horrific things a little girl of any age would have to deal with! She listened, was shocked, we laughed, and I felt relieved to have gotten some of it out.
I came home feeling burdened. Feeling exhausted emotionally. Lindsay and Madden were here. And I felt bad about that. I love them both so much, but I just didn't have the needed strength. Lindsay ended up going home because Madden wasn't feeling well. When she left, I went to bed.
I tossed and turned all night. Woke up early this morning with a raging headache. Took some Advil, and went back to bed. Finally got to work at 10.
This is going to be hard. I have faith and hope that I can dig thru this. That I can let my little angel know that she is brave, beautiful and loved. I am scared. I would be lying to say anything different. But I do know that with the help of my Father in Heaven and those that he placed/places in my life, I can get better. That I can be stronger and better. That I can be who I am suppose to be. Whoever that is. I will be beautiful, and amazing and true to myself.
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