It seems like all I have to say is how hard or rough the week has been. But I also want to document and acknowledge my journey. So, it has been a troubling couple of days. Which was expected, especially since the week after girls camp, I felt so good. I felt what I think is normal.
For me, it started with Amy. She is having some trouble, after spending some time trying to convince her that there were and are good things in her life, I felt empty, discouraged and worn out. That night (Thursday) I went to bed feeling dark. I woke up early (4:00 a.m) Friday morning with a racing heart. (See previous post). The rest of the day was really hard for me emotionally. Which I spent the day with Mom, Amy, Carrie and Tim and the girls, Brian, Abbey and Courtney. After a couple hours the tears and heavy heart subsided.
Saturday was Grandma Wayman's birthday bbq. I was still feeling cloudy and dark, but went. We had Madden, and I was excited to share him with his Great Great Grandma. Well, the BBQ didn't go well for me. It spurred up so many feelings. I found myself many times fighting tears. Then to top it off, there were picture of Grandma and Grandpa, along with family pictures of the kids. There was this one picture of Grandma and all her children taken in Aunt Laurene's back yard. There was dad. To me he looked evil. I was staring at the man that molested me. I saw a crazed man. One that literally scared the breath out of me. I found Brian and asked to leave. He wasn't ready, and I didn't want to cause a scene. So we stayed. I tried hard to stay away from everyone. I had a couple Aunts come and ask me if I was ok. I cried.
Then Sunday, we had a BBQ for mom's family. I was not in any position to go. Still feeling assaulted and vulnerable from the night before. We went, I didn't talk to many people. In fact, I hardly spoke to anyone. I felt invisible and worthless. I felt un-important to mom, who didn't say one word to me. Felt like I have my whole life. Not sure why I think it would be any different. But I did.
We left after about an hour. I came home and slept for 2 hours. Still exhausted, I visited with Carrie and the girls and then went back to bed.
Today, I had an appointment with Lisa. These days are always difficult for me. So much anxiety, nervousness and fear. But I went. And I feel better, stronger and blessed every time I leave. What a blessing she is to me.
I prayed the whole day about going. Asking for help in being honest, and doing and saying what I needed to say. Also, asking for help for Lisa, to know what I need to hear and do. It was a very good visit. She always seems to be able to help me understand and look forward to knowing what I need to work on and understand.
We talked about learning who I am. This scares me. I honestly don't know. I don't know what or who my Spirit is. It's a lonely feeling. I will get there. I know this.
This is what keeps me going back. Cuz, I am here to say, that my brain, my knowledge my experience tells me to run away. And not to look back.
